Archive for the ‘life in the ER’ Category

living the dream…

Volunteering in the ER is Icky-Sticky.  A plethora of Private Parts in Private Matters with Doctors asking questions — that trust me, I don’t need to hear. Curtains fly open as bare-assed Patients bend over in a Peep Show — that trust me, I don’t need to see! Bodily Fluids and Functions are F-ing embarrassing — even when they’re coming from someone else’s body.  Especially when they’re coming from someone else’s body.  It’s a lot to deal with…

Things Get Awkward When You —

• Chaperone a pelvic exam and the doctor says, “Spread your legs.”
• Feel nauseous as a Patient throws up in the emesis basin you just handed him.
• Ask a Transvestite if he/she prefers to be entered in the computer as a male or female.
• Hand over an ice bag to a doctor you’re trying to help and the cap comes off spilling ice all over him.
• Ask an Old Geezer if he needs help getting undressed and he says, “Yes.”
• Accidentally offer to dispose of a big bag of hypodermic needles, and then realize there’s no safe place to put them.
• Hit your head on the cabinet in the Patient’s Room and realize you’re bleeding more than the patient is.
• Have to tell a Patient you’re not a Nurse after she’s described her medical condition in embarrassing detail.
• Must pretend like you don’t smell anything, when it’s an obvious “Code Brown” situation.
• Enter an exam room just as you overhear a Man’s Voice say, “You’re about to feel a prick.”

Read the rest of this entry »

one, two, three, you can do it!

Oh.My.God!

Tonight was epic! Life-altering! Out-of-body!

I witnessed a BIRTH! Not in the movies. Not in my imagination. It was almost in the Hallway! Uh-huh, things were happening that fast!

Rewind —

Earlier on my ER Shift it’s busy-busy — but there are four Volunteers (including Mira and me) so no one seems to mind when I wheel a moaning OB Patient up to Labor and Delivery and never come back.

When Duty calls…

“Red” the OB patient (with ridiculously curly red hair) wobbles in from her Uber, nervous, excited and very much ALONE! In one swift move I grab a wheelchair, plop her into it and ring L & D to let them know we’re on our way up —

In the elevator Red starts blowing in through her nose, out through her mouth –”oooooou, aahhhhh” when the elevator operator asks “When are you due?”

Red’s face scrunches, reddens, she looks like she’s about to burst and WAILS  —

Now—-owwww! Ow-ow-owwwww!

Read the rest of this entry »

Wait, is this my arc?

LIFE is the ultimate CONUNDRUM, right? I mean, what does it all mean?

What’s the effing point?!

Uhhh, the scarier question really is, what if there isn’t any… POINT? What’s my purpose? Why am I here? How the hell do I know if I’m on the right path?

Does “Entertaining” Count for CONTRIBUTING?

Acting feels fleeting, frustrating, and self-serving. Even when I book a job, when it’s over I’m back to auditioning again! And again, and again — Am I risking my sanity and wasting my time?  Am I just a hammy hamster going round and round and round and… Ug– ach– blug– BLEEAAUUUUCH! (sorry, I had to get that out.)

dizzy blond

Ever notice how in INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO Actors come from messed-up lives? Does everyone have an imperfect life? Does portraying the human condition let everyone know — it’s cool to be flawed?  Are we all losers in an imperfect world? Should I run for President of Loserville? Read the rest of this entry »

the new flu can be rough-rough!

OMG! It’s a MASKADEMIC! Our hospital reminds me of Asia during the Sars Epidemic ‘cuz everyone’s wearing a MASK! Crazy! It’s like the opposite of what we learned in ER Volunteer Training when our Supervisor Charlayne told us –

Ya’ll need to wear masks around patients in ISO, but be sure to remove them when you’re walkin’ around. It’s like wearin’ rubber gloves in the waitin’ room. They give the wrong message.

Things are different now with the current strain of Flu — because it’s much stronger, scarier, and more virulent than in previous years. The new Flu is a RISK to the young, the old, the high-risk and even to HEALTHY humans. Yeah, it’s Twilight-Zone-y, sorta like that movie Gwyneth Paltrow was in: CONTAGION. Well no, not that bad —  but seriously, this new Flu can be a matter of life-and-death. No kidding! Read the rest of this entry »

“What Does The Spleen Do”?

Laughter may be the best medicine, but aren’t you s’posed to get through Med School first? Has sleep-deprivation pushed these hip-hopping Harvard Med Students over the edge or is this some kinda Ivy League Extra Credit to FIND THE FUNNY?

If only my ER would take a hint and produce a Medical Musical… At least I’d book a gig on the Spleen-Screen!

Hatee-Hatee-Hatee-Eeet
Hit-The-Books-Then-Hit-The-Beat!

Lately I’ve had the Baking Bug, trying out recipes before the HOLIDAYS (and if I have to be honest, because I’ve been craving something sweet).

The FIRST & the LAST Bites are always the BEST!

Evie’s Apple Nut Coffee Cake

I always allow myself two bites of yummy batter and two bites of whatever I’ve made when it’s fresh-out-of-the-oven. I’m sure you know this —  because it’s a well-known fact —  if you stand in the kitchen and eat bites, it’s not really fattening : )

My Dad and his sweet tooth, are always on my “goodie basket drop-off list”, and our little neighbor Owen loves my chocolate cake with M&Ms.  But even when I share with them, there’s still too much TEMPTATION left over, and that last thing I need to do before an Audition is stuff my face. Read the rest of this entry »

“head up ass”

On my Volunteer Shift, when I take Patients to beds, I glance at the chart to see what the complaint is so I don’t ask them to remove more clothes than they have to. That’s not exactly a Volunteer Rule (Charlayne trained us to say: “Remove all of your clothes, gown open to the back”).  But in my opinion, it’s unnecessarily annoying to Patients if you add to their discomfort.  If they’re in the ER for a hurt finger or toe, I’m certainly not gonna make them take off all of their clothes (“do unto others…”). But if they have a gyno, abdominal or rectal issue, it’s protocol that they remove everything and pee in a cup, so I can’t always grant myself rule-exception privileges.

Over time I’ve learned all of the color codes and what abbreviations mean like A fib (heart irregularity) or AMS (altered mental state) or CP (chest pains), but today Anthony Chan was in a particularly pissy mood (which happens frequently) and he wrote down DBI for this tat-covered greaser with missing teeth. I’d never seen that abbreviation before, so I had to ask Tyrell what it meant.

DBI might not be something they teach in medical school (or maybe it is, which would be really scary!) But either way doctors know DBI means: “dirt bag index.” Oh. Read the rest of this entry »