VOLUNTEER TRAINING… (I Never Volunteered For!)

this manual is giving me nightmares already

this manual is giving me nightmares already

Stuck all day sitting in this stuffy fluorescent hospital classroom for 8+ hours, drinking burnt coffee, listening to this over-the-top pep talk by the hospital volunteer supervisor, Charlayne who’s beyond gung and way too ho.

She started the volunteer program at GLAM (made sure we know we can’t evah call it that) and she’s very very very (yes very) passionate about it.

We sat forever and my butt bones still hurt from that chair.  (It’s gonna cost me more chiropractic, I just know it.)

And this bunch of over-eager Trainees are asking one idiotic kiss-up question after another, making the long day longer. They’re all thrilled to get their smocks – Charlayne hands out these tablecloths to wear,  so shapeless, so ugly – but these Trainees are so ga-ga over them you’d think they were designed by Alan del Rosario.

But I was kinda shocked to see how many people actually signed up to be volunteers.
On purpose.


Some do it because it helps them get into med school or nursing school or whatever. I heard two of those girls at lunch break talking like they’d stay about a year then bail as soon as the ink on their school app is dry.

There was a guy signed up who had some life-altering experience in the hospital and is on a mission to “give back.” Fine, more power to him, (he can have my spot!  I don’t want to be selfish,  I don’t want to deny others my place, I’ll GIVE BACK my tent-smock and gazillion hours of “volunteering” this second!)

Then there’s these empty-nesters looking for something meaningful to donate their empty lives, I mean, free time, to.  No, sorry, I’m just ragging on it because I want to be ANYWHERE but.  Even though I bet my mom would’ve done it…

There’s a few GLEE-types on some kind of community service badge program, a few getting punished from something, but I’m the only one stuck in the ER on a court-effing-order.  I’m the only one with a billboard on Sunset too, thank you, and the judge so obviously wanted to make an example out of me.  But I’m playing THAT down here, and Charlayne give me this name tag and I won’t even tell you my real name which she put on there, but lets just say she’s VERY big on privacy and NOT big on having “Evie Stewart and the Headlines” playing for her party…

Oh jeeze, you should see this hospital volunteer manual – stuff you just know she’s gonna test us on, like high school – and here’s a few things we’re supposed to know about – just to give you an idea of what I’m up against:

Makes me think “Aflec” with that duck commercial – it actually says “stay away.” Duh.

Blood Gas Lab:
Something about puncturing arteries, I’m not looking

Code Brown:
Exactly what you think it is, nice

There’s actually a room for this, but I don’t want to play Meryl’s part in SILKWOOD

Emesis Basin:
Vomit Bowl (isn’t that the whole campus football season?)

Communicable Disease Room (Where do we escape Swine Flu?)

I didn’t volunteer for ANY of this disgusting “Code Brown.”
I think I’m gonna need an emesis basin.

Right now.

(Are you volunteering for anything?
Please don’t hate me because I hate this… )

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Sentenced to volunteer at Greater L.A. Medical (GLAM!) Hospital... I'm on-call in my worst nightmare -- ?!
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