Last night…  It’s a  typical night in the ER: one rainbow-haired “5150” who thinks he’s Jesus, restrained to the gurney;  two passionate hikers covered in red welts, itching in all the wrong places;  several “gunshot wounds” with gang members in the waiting room, demanding to know the status. Friendly? Or there to finish off the job?  I’m glad to have an excuse to leave for ten minutes when Triage Nurse, Anthony Chan shoves a wheelchair toward me with a Maternity Mom in it and a Dad next to it.

“Volunteer, take this couple up to L & D. Stat!”

On it! Gladly! I call up to L & D and tell them I’m on my way.

The Perils of PUSHING —

I speed-roll Maternity Mom +  Dad into the empty elevator.  Doors start to close, but a GIANT HAND intervenes. In walks a 6’6″ man attached to it. Uh-oh! With glares and territorial behavior happening in this elevator, it’s suddenly apparent… this  pregnant party isn’t a Couple… it’s a THRUPLE!!!

Maternity Mom (doubling over): “ooooooouuuuuuu…. eeeeehhhhhh….. ahhhhhhhhh!

Dad #1:” ” What are you doing here?”

Dad #2:  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Maternity Mom: “owwwww…. Owwwwwww… OWWWWWWW!”

Me: “Breathe.”

(Maternity Mom assumes the pushing face.)

Me: “Short breaths, fff–fff—fff”

Dad #1:  “Girl, I gave you everything!”

Dad #2 : “Nuh-uh, she needed more.” (pointing to his crotch.)

Maternity Mom: I need a BATHROOM!

Me: Don’t push.

Dad #1 to Dad #2: Fuck you!”

Dad #2 (louder):  “Fuck you!”

Maternity Mom: “Ow… OW…OWWWW… FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

(Exactly what got them all into this mess.)

Me: C’mon guys, obstetrics wasn’t covered in Volunteer Orientation!

Me: “Short breaths, blow, fff–fff–fff”

Dad #1:   “Breathe, baby —

Dad #2:   “Baby heart, you got this —

Maternity Mom:  “OWWWWWW! I’ve gotta get this outta me!”

(DING! Elevator door opens!)

Me: “CODE: BABY-COMING-OUT!”

(The Charge Nurse grabs the wheel chair)

Charge Nurse: “Taking her to Three. ”

(Dads shove each other out of the way. Charge Nurse blocks them.)

Charge Nurse: “Both of you. In the waiting room. Now! Don’t make me call Security.”

The door to Three closes. At last I can breathe.

I text Niles: “OMG, almost delivered a baby in the elevator”

PING! Incoming from Niles — Seth Meyers’ wife didn’t even make it that far.

OMG! SETH MEYERS’ WIFE Labored in the LOBBY!

YIKES!