stay open to possibility

Yesterday I got a DM from a Twitter Follower asking why I didn’t do a “Happy New Year Resolution Post” again this year. Oops! What did I write last year? Feeling brave I took a look at my lofty 2011 goals to DO, BE and GIVE more!

So much easier said than done –

I won’t start with excuses. I really did try. Some things went better than others. You’ll see. Um, maybe we should go in reverse order:

GIVE MORE –

I’d say I’ve earned a B or B+ in Giving, because this is where I’ve made the biggest strides. I clocked sooo many extra hours in the ER as a Volunteer and I really showed up with my best attitude (seriously!) Okay-okay, so for those of you who can see right through me, yes, there’s an advantage to showing up more in the ER when a certain Dr. Crush is around. But still – I’ve really really committed to helping the people I’m supposed to help whether he’s there or not. Swear!

BE MORE –

This one’s rough, because I actually was a Working Actress (today I got The Descendants screener — so there!) but I haven’t worked in over a year (truthfully longer) so I feel like I’ve totally failed in this area. Sadly, in Acting, if you’re not working you feel like a Wannabe, and that’s kind’a where I’ve been residing for awhile… very unfortunately.  So in this department, I’d say I deserve a C-  and not an F because several very supportive Casting Directors are still calling me in. For some unknown reason, they still think I’ve got it (even though I’m afraid I’ve lost it.) I hope they’re better at convincing the Producers than I am. Sigh…

DO MORE –

I’m trying to be all about the DOORS: keeping them open – and walking through Doorways I’ve never walked through before. So I promised a Commercial Director (in my Sunday Yoga Class) that I’ll be in the edgy short he’s writing|directing|producing. Normally I’d be a little leery, because once it’s been shot, you wanna make sure it won’t shoot a hole in your career (what career?!) But I’m gonna keep the faith as I walk through that Doorway. And then there’s this Music Supervisor (a friend of a friend) who’s gonna teach me what he knows, since I’ve always loved music. Maybe I’ll intern for him if Pilot Season doesn’t work out the way I’m hoping.

But speaking of Pilot Season – I’m going to try really hard this year to NOT second-guess my Audition opportunities. If my representation thinks I can be a separated Siamese-Twin-who-becomes-the first-one-armed-Astronaut, I’ll totally commit. If they call me in to play an 18 year-old Coed, I’ll enthusiastically cheer. Or if they want me to be a mother-of-three, I’ll find that instinct. Whatever opportunities come my way, I’m going for them and NOT LOOKING BACK!

Because next year I want to be able to look my Resolutions squarely in the face and go –

Hoo-ah!

 (What resolutions did you follow through on? C’mon be honest now…)

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confusing emotions

Ever notice when a Emergency Siren BLASTS just as you’re in the middle of a really happy moment (like falling in love, or celebrating something?) I do. It reminds me that JOY and SADNESS happen at the same moment. There’s never a time when all of the people everywhere are happy… or sad. I guess that’s what makes the world work in a weird way.  Unfortunately or fortunately we have to experience each emotion to understand the difference, as a basis of comparison, kind’a like SALTY and SWEET. I mean, even Fairy Tales have tragedy (sadly, Bambi and Cinderella lose their Moms.)

Nightmare Night-Shift –

At the Hospital last night I ended up staying past my ER Shift, way into the morning hours.  Every once in awhile in the ER, you get to know repeat patients and their families. Sure, you recognize Frequent Fliers (there for drugs) or Homeless People (there for food). But I’m talking about Patients who come in for chronic problems, along with their family members who love, worry and support them.

So last night this wonderful Hispanic Family brings in their 70 year-old Abuela (recently-widowed, mother of 13, grandmother of 31) with breathing problems and chest pains. I’ve seen them many times before, due to Abuela’s chronic health issues.

Surrounded by her hard-working and loving family (all became American Citizens btw) Abuela’s MUCH WORSE than usual. She’s weak, sweating, disoriented and gasping for breath. No Triage Nurses are around (strangely) so I rush her through the Trauma Door and suddenly the Charge Nurse grabs her wheelchair, pushes her into into Bed 1, hoists her onto the gurney –

CODE BLUE!
Staff storms in!
Paddles!
Curtain swishes CLOSED!
Frantic NOISE!
Then… NOTHING…
DEAD SILENCE!

Standing there dazed, I barely notice when the Psyche Nurse taps me on the shoulder and asks me to bring the Family into the PEDS WAITING ROOM (aka “The Bad News Room.”)

When there are no words…

Outside the door, I hear painful GASPS and SOBS! I swallow my heart. But stay… and wait… and wait.

When the Psyche Nurse walks out, I walk in. I try to comfort Abuela’s distraught daughters and sons, but what can you really say? NOTHING. You can HUG and LISTEN, but that’s really all you can do in a situation like this. Oh yeah, you also CRY… because it stirs up… MEMORIES…

At 5:30 AM (looking my ugliest) I’m in the elevator on my way to the parking lot, and a Man says, “Evie?” (Oh, It’s the Nice Dad of an old HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND I haven’t seen in years. Usually I’d be bummed, looking so awful, but today I don’t even care.)

Why are you in the hospital, is everything okay?

A proud grin –

_ _ _ _ _ _  (patient confidentiality) just had a baby!  Come see!

So I do…

And that’s what I mean about HAPPY/SAD…

(What Happy/Sad Moments have you experienced this year already? Or ever?)

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if only I could affect the future

Last year I tried out a few New Year’s Superstitions (NOT all 20). If nothing else, I had a good laugh.  I opened all of the windows — let the old year escape, danced around a tree, and let my dirty locks flow through the air (oh yeah, I was a sight to behold!)

The Jury’s Still Out –

I have no idea if they worked or not, but things could be a lot worse! I’ve just researched 20 more and figure they’re worth trying. You never know…

WEAR NEW CLOTHES on New Years Day and you’ll get more during the year –
(isabel marant? vanessa bruno? barneys? hope-hope!)

NOISE MAKERS:. Blast the Fireworks, Ring Church Bells — scare away the meanies –
(time to blast Briana!)

MIDNIGHT KISS that person you’ll want to rekiss all year –
(guess I’ll be working the ER night shift…hmmm…)

DRAIN THE BOTTLE and good fortune will come your way –
(a little suggestive, isn’t it?)

JUMP SEVEN WAVES and THROW FLOWERS INTO THE SEA for good luck –
(if you’re not near the ocean, you might have a problem)

SCATTER COINS around the house so money will come your way all year round –
(this seems pretty obvious — just look for it in your house)

HIDE KNIVES in the house for 24 hours so no one will be hurt and the fortune will remain undisturbed –
(sounds like the beginning of a horror flick)

LIGHT UP the house so the coming year will be bright –
(this sounds like something my mom would’ve made up)

WEAR POLKA DOTS – anything round signifies prosperity –
(this might be tough to pull off, unless you’re a clown)

JUMP 12 TIMES at midnight to increase your height –
(maybe do this before you drain the bottle, otherwise things could get messy) 

EAT STICKY RICE, to make good fortune stick in the New Year –
(I love Asian food anyway)

WORK IT OUT: Do a sample of the work you’d like to have loads of in the year –
(I’ll be making a tape to send Jason Reitman!)

FIRST FOOTING: The first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight will influence the year you’re about to have –
(i’ve got an emergency —  a certain doctor needs to stop by!)

FILL YOUR POCKETS on New Years Eve you will never have an empty pocket in the New Year –
(i need a pocket full of miracles)

WALK YOUR LUGGAGE out of your house and around the block encourages travel in your New Year.
(or travel to the nearest mental facility if anyone notices you doing this)

EAT GREENS and you’ll have lots of green money in the coming year.
(La Scala chopped salad?)

THROW RICE GRAINS at midnight and you’ll have an abundance –
(of what? Rice? Weddings? A mess to clean up?)

Put a GOLD RING in your champagne glass and you’ll have prosperity –
(unless you swallow it — then life will be a lot shorter)

CLIMB A CHAIR 12 times will make you find a boyfriend or girlfriend next year –
(wait.. how do you climb up a chair?)

BE UNDER THE TABLE and WEAR RED UNDERWEAR at midnight and you’ll get married next year –
(I’m not telling you what color underwear I’ll be wearing, but if you’re under the table with me, you might find out! ahaha!)

(What superstitions do you follow on New Year’s Eve?)

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it'll take more than reading a book

My brain has been stuck on COMPUTERS this week. It started with the news reports about the high-tech-intelligence-gathering-Drone that ended up in Iranian hands, freaking everyone out!

JAMES BOND would know what to do –

What I don’t get is why in this day and age there isn’t a button the CIA can press that makes the Drone self-destruct. I’m certainly not a techie (obv!) but it seems very 007-101 to me.  And even if our team doesn’t want the Drone to explode in someone’s face, can’t they make it melt or something?

I mean — EVERYTHING seems do-able in computers these days… EVERYTHING! Our entire WORLD is computerized — everything except for MY LIFE – which gets me thinking…

What If…

… I could program MY LIFE like a MAC ?

I would -

• FORMAT my career, starting with me starring in a feature, directed by Jason Reitman, written by Diablo Cody!
• ZOOM IN on the best night of my life (before the “until…”)
• ZOOM OUT on the worst (after the “until”).
• INSERT myself into the cast of MODERN FAMILY (hint-hint, Steve Levitan).
• EDIT myself before I say a less-than-witty-thing in an Audition (like the one last month where the Casting Director actually turned RED after I spoke).
• PARENTAL CONTROLS I’d censor myself from some of my impulsive choices —  like doing-the-wrong-thing-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time.
• UNDO my mistakes: like the career faux pas that sucked me into hospital hell!
• REBOOT – and get everything back to the way it was…

BUT… if I could control everything, some of the GOOD THINGS that come out of the bad would no longer be possible – like meeting Dr. Crush in a place I’d never go if I’d ever had a choice in the matter.

Maybe what MATTERS is what we make of the moments that don’t go RIGHT.  Sigh…

Oh well, I guess it’s a blessing I can’t channel STEVE JOBS,  ahaha!

(How would you computerize your life if you could?)

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• GOOD LUCK – Wishing and Hoping…

Feelin' it

Life is not exactly according to plan…still…there are so many reasons to say “Thanks!

Hug everything and everyone you have!

I’m THANKFUL that –

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conundrums

On my ER shift, a Little Kid’s freaking out about having to get stitches, so I ask him if he can keep a secret? Uh-huh.

Wanna know our  SECRET CODE WORD ?

Yeah!…
…so I whisper: “Owww!”

Minutes later when  Dr. A dabs numbing cream on his wound, the kid yells, “Owww!” So I SHUSH! him about giving away the CODE WORD and he actually giggles – PLUS I get a “trying-not-to-smile-but-I-can’t-help-it” from Dr. A! So it’s a win/WIN of epic proportions! (My Mom would be so proud!)

Then in Triage, ANTHONY shouts at me for taking too many visitors back to see their Mom (c’mon Chan!) which is sooo frustrating! As I’ve said before — working in the ER is a LOVE|HATE situation!

ER Ambivalence –
THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WHATEVER!

LOVE

De-Stressing the stressed (Helps de-stress me too.)

FINDING THE FUNNY + earning a SMILE (Comic timing must be right, otherwise it’s all wrong!)

Appreciation (The “air” volunteers breathe!)

Patient Patients (So rare, I really appreciate them.)

Happy Endings  (NOT the kind you’re thinking of.)

HATE

Walkie Talkies (Talk about “impersonal!”)

Go To Registration FIRST (It says: “Our money is more important than your chest pains!)

Too many cooks (So many experts – So many opinions!)

Too many rules (And they change every week, truth!)

The odors (Code Brown, need I say more?)

Suffering (Can’t think about it…)

Death (No words…)

TOLERATE

Bossy Pants (Sometimes they’re right, sometimes they’re just being a Buttinsky!)

Frequent Flyers (Gotta give it to ‘em, addicts can be pretty creative.)

Pushy Family Members (They’re just scared and feel helpless.)

Impatient Patients (We all feel that way, right?)

(What do you love|hate|tolerate in the ER?)

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yess!

Two hours and fifteen minutes from now I’ve got a callback. It’s for a small, potentially pivotal part in good film. I love this script. I need this to happen. I’m prepared. Trying to psych myself up. Trying really hard to NOT think about how I’ll feel if I don’t get this. No. It’s time for some GOOD LUCK. I’ve done the work. I’ve gotten positive feedback. My agent says the CD is rooting for me.  I’m prepared. I’ve coached, rehearsed, centered myself and I’ve been a good person in the ER – that should count for something. Right?

For the last half hour I’ve candle-wished and distracted myself by researching “Good Luck Quotes” –

THINKING POSITIVELY –

•  “The day You decide to do it is your lucky day.”~ Japanese Proverb
• “Luck is believing you’re lucky.”~ Tennessee Williams
• “When it comes to luck, you make your own.”~ Bruce Springsteen
•  “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.”~ L. Coleman
• “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Luck is believing you’re lucky.”~ Tennessee Williams

Yay. It took me thirteen minutes to write this. Now it’s in two hours and two minutes. Think I’ll run through it again before I get dressed.

Fingers Crossed! Wish me luck!

Sigh…

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What’s the meaning of MEANIES in our lives? We’ve all got ‘em. What do we do with them?

Mine is Briana the Bitch (the frenemy from hell) a resident in my ER who tells anyone who’ll listen not to trust me because I’m a “Man Eater!” Briana is stuck in the past. She may have a high IQ, but socially she’s still stuck in high school. Move on, girl, it’s 2011. Life doesn’t have to be AWKWARD! for the rest of our lives. Does it?

Today I hear about an even worse MEANIE from “Hottie,” an out-of-work TV Actress whose name I can’t divulge.  Hottie’s long-term Acting Coach, “Pushy” just turned into the DEVIL (the meanest of MEANIES!)

After the boundary-less Pushy’d wormed her way into Hottie’s professional and personal life, acting like her Coach/Mom/BFF/Therapist, she pushed Hottie too far when she told her to break up with her boyfriend.

“ENUFF! Hottie said, ” I’m going to break up with YOU instead!”

So Pushy, like a scorned lover, goes ballistic with 24/7 over-the-top, calls, texts and emails. Hottie blocks her. And Pushy takes it up several notches. She spreads RUMORS throughout the Industry that Hottie’s no longer acting because she had a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! (F@#k!)

I ask Hottie if she’s gonna sue Pushy or at the very least have some hotshot Entertainment Attorney write a cease-and-desist, but Hottie doesn’t want to fan Pushy’s fire.  Hottie’s Manager says she’ll  “manage the situation.” So Hottie’s gonna take the HIGH ROAD. She’s focusing on being an Awesome Actress and getting LOTS OF WORK so she can prove Pushy wrong!

THE GOSSIP MEANIES IN OUR LIVES

Are they Insensitive or insane?

On medication or should they be?

Narcissistic or Nuts?

IS IT BETTER TO ENGAGE OR IGNORE?

Is their GOSSIP destructive or do others see it as “DRAMA?”

Gossip Meanies mess with our heads, our reputations and our ability to focus on what’s important.  Avoiding the DRAMA might be the best way to deal with these HEARSAY HUSSIES!

People seem turned-off by DRAMA these day, anyway.  TV Dramas are getting cancelled all over the place and COMEDIES are where it’s at.

So let’s all try to FIND THE FUNNY when it comes to the Meanies in our lives. If we can laugh at these LOSERS  the PATHETIC PUSHIES  of the world will lose their POWER!

(What Meanies mess with your life? What do you plan do about it?)

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dr. crush

You think you know what you want. But what if you got it, would you even want it? Would you even know what to do with it? What if you blow it? What if you make the most of it? What if you’re not sure, but you’re willing to take some risks?

Are you EVOLVING or ESCAPING?

Is it the right time or the wrong time? Are you just biding time, because you’ve got time on your hands? Maybe it’s because he’s hands-off, unavailable like so many guys. So it’s the chase, not the win you can’t shake.

Think about your real life — the one you almost had — the one you’ve been working for. You know, the one that’s on hold right now.  Maybe he’ll hold you back from your hopes and dreams. What about living the dream? Maybe he’s just a dream.  What if it’s a nightmare ending? Maybe he’s not all he seems. Maybe he’s so much MORE!  Winners are better than wannabes, right? But are you a loser if you wannabe with a winner? Will you feel less if he’s more?

INDECISION OR INTROSPECTION?

Can you even find a soul mate, when you’re not sure who you are?  Can the qualities in him make up for those MIA in yourself? Is it complementing or copping out?

Clearly he’s someone you can count on? Now you won’t have to count on yourself. Or maybe he’ll count on you too. And together you’ll go to infinity.

If you change, will you recognize your reflection? Would that be good or would that be bad? Are you supposed to know all the answers in your twenties? Would you want to, if you could?

He’s not your typical type. But what if it’s time for a change? Changes are good if they’re good. Or do you just need a quick fix? Do you feel broken inside? Is it the white coat effect? Is your pulse racing because he’s an MD?

Are you HEALING or HALLUCINATING? Does this call for champagne or medication?

With every answer, you get questions.

Is this LOVE or are you going INSANE? Call the paramedics! Get to your ER —  STAT!

(if anyone else has the answers, pul-eeze leave a comment!)

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pink is a serious color

Hearing CODE WHATEVER on the loudspeaker is pretty typical in the hospital.  The most common ones are Code Blue (Medical Emergency) or Code Red (Fire/Smoke).

When it’s Code Red, the overhead lights start flashing like there’s no tomorrow and the doors auto-close and it’s easy to get a little freaked-out because what if there really was a fire and the doors closed so you couldn’t get out?  But every time I’ve heard “Code Red” (they always mention the location) within seconds there’s another announcement that says “Code Red All Clear.”

But today’s a different story. I’ve just dropped off a L & D (Labor & Delivery) Patient on 3 and I’m about to go back down to the E.R. when I hear –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

Code Pink = Infant Abduction. Code Pink means that EVERYONE on the staff – ANYWHERE in the hospital is supposed to drop what he/she is doing and BLOCK the nearest exit.

CODE PINK means –

1. Look for suspicious persons who seem panicky or in a hurry carry a large bundle, tote bag, gym bag or an infant.
2. Note gender, race, attire, description, direction of travel and mode of travel.
3. Call Security STAT!

My heart THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS as everyone on Staff behaves like a Soldier going off to battle. No one talks. We’re on a mission.  I leave my wheelchair in a corner and head to the doorway by the stairs. On my way I pass four Nurses standing in front of four elevators. No one is smiling.  I take the post at the top of the stairwell. My eyes dart up the stairs, down the stairs. I listen for suspicious sounds.

Amplified again –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

No one’s in sight. But I feel brave, ready react. Then a GIANT LUMP expands in my throat, as I imagine the Parents in a panic — the little Innocent unprotected.

Five minutes pass but it seems ten times longer. Then –

CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR. CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR!

Phew! I go back, grab the wheelchair and head down to the E.R. feeling shaken but feel really proud to be a part of the Staff. I’m glad I’d actually listened to Charlayne in the last Training Session.

I see Dr. A downstairs and tell him about the experience, forgetting he knows (DUH!) since the loudspeaker blasts hospital-wide!

He’s really sweet though and gives me the warmest smile ever — and says CODE PINK always throws him too. Apparently it was the Baby Lojac system. The Parents left before the ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET was removed.

YIKES! I’ll never-ever-ever hear another CODE ANYTHING in quite the same way again. Would you?

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