conundrums

On my ER shift, a Little Kid’s freaking out about having to get stitches, so I ask him if he can keep a secret? Uh-huh.

Wanna know our  SECRET CODE WORD ?

Yeah!…
…so I whisper: “Owww!”

Minutes later when  Dr. A dabs numbing cream on his wound, the kid yells, “Owww!” So I SHUSH! him about giving away the CODE WORD and he actually giggles – PLUS I get a “trying-not-to-smile-but-I-can’t-help-it” from Dr. A! So it’s a win/WIN of epic proportions! (My Mom would be so proud!)

Then in Triage, ANTHONY shouts at me for taking too many visitors back to see their Mom (c’mon Chan!) which is sooo frustrating! As I’ve said before — working in the ER is a LOVE|HATE situation!

ER Ambivalence –
THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WHATEVER!

LOVE

De-Stressing the stressed (Helps de-stress me too.)

FINDING THE FUNNY + earning a SMILE (Comic timing must be right, otherwise it’s all wrong!)

Appreciation (The “air” volunteers breathe!)

Patient Patients (So rare, I really appreciate them.)

Happy Endings  (NOT the kind you’re thinking of.)

HATE

Walkie Talkies (Talk about “impersonal!”)

Go To Registration FIRST (It says: “Our money is more important than your chest pains!)

Too many cooks (So many experts – So many opinions!)

Too many rules (And they change every week, truth!)

The odors (Code Brown, need I say more?)

Suffering (Can’t think about it…)

Death (No words…)

TOLERATE

Bossy Pants (Sometimes they’re right, sometimes they’re just being a Buttinsky!)

Frequent Flyers (Gotta give it to ‘em, addicts can be pretty creative.)

Pushy Family Members (They’re just scared and feel helpless.)

Impatient Patients (We all feel that way, right?)

(What do you love|hate|tolerate in the ER?)

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• Identity Crisis in the ER
• Finding our Way (with a little help from our friends)

I’ve been feeling GUILTY about something for the last 48 hours…I need to be straight with you –

In my last post about “GOSSIPS and MEANIES” I pretended like I was talking about someone else (you prob’ly saw right through me anyway.) I was really embarrassed about being a complete weenie since…

I’m “Hottie” (no, I don’t think I’m hot, but some deranged people do.) I’m the one who allowed myself to be manipulated by Pushy. Humiliating as it is to admit, I gave my POWER over to someone else. No one should do that.  NO ONE.

Pushy couldn’t’ve pushed me if I hadn’t allowed it. Pushy wouldn’t’ve had any power, if I hadn’t given her mine. I allowed her to insinuate herself into MY life. MINE.  Thankfully I’m away from her now, and growing a spine.

I need to OWN my part in the DRAMA,  learn from it and move on. Maybe you’ll learn from my mistakes.

THE POWER IS YOURS –

Whether you’re male | female | gay |straight… If you’re in healthcare | tech support | a teacher| a bartender| in fashion | in finance| in the entertainment business| in the service business | self-employed | unemployed …

If you’re ANYONE, ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING –

Never ever ever give your POWER away to anyone else. It belongs to YOU!

I’m so sorry I didn’t trust you in the first place.

xo/evie

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What’s the meaning of MEANIES in our lives? We’ve all got ‘em. What do we do with them?

Mine is Briana the Bitch (the frenemy from hell) a resident in my ER who tells anyone who’ll listen not to trust me because I’m a “Man Eater!” Briana is stuck in the past. She may have a high IQ, but socially she’s still stuck in high school. Move on, girl, it’s 2011. Life doesn’t have to be AWKWARD! for the rest of our lives. Does it?

Today I hear about an even worse MEANIE from “Hottie,” an out-of-work TV Actress whose name I can’t divulge.  Hottie’s long-term Acting Coach, “Pushy” just turned into the DEVIL (the meanest of MEANIES!)

After the boundary-less Pushy’d wormed her way into Hottie’s professional and personal life, acting like her Coach/Mom/BFF/Therapist, she pushed Hottie too far when she told her to break up with her boyfriend.

“ENUFF! Hottie said, ” I’m going to break up with YOU instead!”

So Pushy, like a scorned lover, goes ballistic with 24/7 over-the-top, calls, texts and emails. Hottie blocks her. And Pushy takes it up several notches. She spreads RUMORS throughout the Industry that Hottie’s no longer acting because she had a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! (F@#k!)

I ask Hottie if she’s gonna sue Pushy or at the very least have some hotshot Entertainment Attorney write a cease-and-desist, but Hottie doesn’t want to fan Pushy’s fire.  Hottie’s Manager says she’ll  “manage the situation.” So Hottie’s gonna take the HIGH ROAD. She’s focusing on being an Awesome Actress and getting LOTS OF WORK so she can prove Pushy wrong!

THE GOSSIP MEANIES IN OUR LIVES

Are they Insensitive or insane?

On medication or should they be?

Narcissistic or Nuts?

IS IT BETTER TO ENGAGE OR IGNORE?

Is their GOSSIP destructive or do others see it as “DRAMA?”

Gossip Meanies mess with our heads, our reputations and our ability to focus on what’s important.  Avoiding the DRAMA might be the best way to deal with these HEARSAY HUSSIES!

People seem turned-off by DRAMA these day, anyway.  TV Dramas are getting cancelled all over the place and COMEDIES are where it’s at.

So let’s all try to FIND THE FUNNY when it comes to the Meanies in our lives. If we can laugh at these LOSERS  the PATHETIC PUSHIES  of the world will lose their POWER!

(What Meanies mess with your life? What do you plan do about it?)

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dr. crush

You think you know what you want. But what if you got it, would you even want it? Would you even know what to do with it? What if you blow it? What if you make the most of it? What if you’re not sure, but you’re willing to take some risks?

Are you EVOLVING or ESCAPING?

Is it the right time or the wrong time? Are you just biding time, because you’ve got time on your hands? Maybe it’s because he’s hands-off, unavailable like so many guys. So it’s the chase, not the win you can’t shake.

Think about your real life — the one you almost had — the one you’ve been working for. You know, the one that’s on hold right now.  Maybe he’ll hold you back from your hopes and dreams. What about living the dream? Maybe he’s just a dream.  What if it’s a nightmare ending? Maybe he’s not all he seems. Maybe he’s so much MORE!  Winners are better than wannabes, right? But are you a loser if you wannabe with a winner? Will you feel less if he’s more?

INDECISION OR INTROSPECTION?

Can you even find a soul mate, when you’re not sure who you are?  Can the qualities in him make up for those MIA in yourself? Is it complementing or copping out?

Clearly he’s someone you can count on? Now you won’t have to count on yourself. Or maybe he’ll count on you too. And together you’ll go to infinity.

If you change, will you recognize your reflection? Would that be good or would that be bad? Are you supposed to know all the answers in your twenties? Would you want to, if you could?

He’s not your typical type. But what if it’s time for a change? Changes are good if they’re good. Or do you just need a quick fix? Do you feel broken inside? Is it the white coat effect? Is your pulse racing because he’s an MD?

Are you HEALING or HALLUCINATING? Does this call for champagne or medication?

With every answer, you get questions.

Is this LOVE or are you going INSANE? Call the paramedics! Get to your ER —  STAT!

(if anyone else has the answers, pul-eeze leave a comment!)

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SOOOOO many shows! Not enough time to watch them all. But here are two getting a lot of BUZZZZZ…

funny femmes

TWO BROKE GIRLS

With the exception of THE GOOD WIFE, CBS isn’t a network I usually watch a lot. But this season I’m tuning in more now that Ashton has gotten me hooked on TWO AND A HALF MEN, followed by a new fave-in-the-making: TWO BROKE GIRLS. 

Watching Kate Dennings (Max) and Beth Behrs (Caroline) bounce lines off of each other is like watching a great game of tennis, with both athletes playing at the top of their game.  Max’s tough cookie with a heart of mush takes pity on Caroline the homeless heiress with a passion for positivity (my mom would love her!)

The writing from Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings is smart, fresh and racy without making you go Euuww!! (“If she were a les, she’s be the last les-I’d–be-in”) It’s very modern and real. And with the exception of the horse jokes (which might get crappy – 2^nd show spoiler alert!) this show has REAL STAYING POWER! Yes!

I give it  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

too much quirk?

NEW GIRL

I really couldn’t wait to watch NEW GIRL, because I love  Zooey Deschanel sooo much (500 DAYS OF SUMMER is in my top 10!) And I’m usually pretty crazy about Liz (she’s apparently calling herself Elizabeth now) Meriwether’s writing.

I read for Liz Meriwether’s NO STRINGS ATTACHED (when it was called FUCK BUDDIES) and I loved the pilot SLUTS,  both of which were more BRIDESMADE-ish and female Appatow-ish in humor than NEW GIRL (the pilot at least).

My guess is that the network and studio execs had a lot to do with the final cut of the NEW GIRL, because it seemed much tamer and set-up-set-up-joke-y than Meriwether’s previous scripts.

Deschanel as “Jess” is lovable as expected. The GUY characters however seem over-the-topish-big and dumbed-down to me, but maybe my expectations were too high (that tends to happen when it comes to guys in general.)

Still,  Zooey Deschanel rarely gets it wrong, so I’m gonna stick with this show to see where she takes it.

I give it  ♥ ♥ ♥

TWO BROKE GIRLS and NEW GIRL were in the top six rated shows for 18-49 during premiere week. So audiences are FINDING THE FUNNY in female-driven comedies and that’s VERY GOOD NEWS (especially for female comedy actors— like me for instance). Uh huh, uh huh!

Which shows make you laugh? Which make you barf? Please share in the comments, thanks : )

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Emmy - What if?

Here’s the deal. I (like probably every Actor on earth) have an AWARD SPEECH playing and rewinding in my brain, ready for the BIG MOMENT.  Revisions occur regularly after the OSCARS, EMMYS and SAG AWARDS  each year and of course any time I’m about to get a BIG BREAK that’ll TOTALLY CHANGE MY CAREER! (Sound familiar fellow-Actors?)

Naturally I pay close attention to what works (luv’d Ty Burrell‘s “Tight Genes”speech) , what falls flat and what touches people (hi-five to Guy Pearce for inserting the raciest touch!) If the acceptance speech elicits laughs and tears it’s probably a good one, right?

Here’s my current list to thank, but I’m still working on it. Luckily or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it, MOM!) I’ve got time to tweak it, revise it and hone it. And FYI I think it’s a total waste of the clicking clock to keep repeating the words, “And I want to” thank…  So I’m planning on keeping it in the present tense, to reduce my word count and show more appreciation.  Also, if we’re talking about peeves, I’m getting a little bored with “I didn’t think I’d win, so I didn’t plan a speech” — Come on! Everyone imagines “what if?” otherwise YTF are we waxing,  juice cleansing, botoxing, highlighting, training, boxing, running, spinning and ohmming?

Who I’d thank in my Emmy Award Speech

T H A N K    Y O U:

• SUPER DAD for cheering me on every step and for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself –
• JOSH – for sticking with me when everyone else thought I’d blown it –
• WILL Wannabe — if you hadn’t left me when I was down, I wouldn’t've learned how to reach higher –
• CHARLAYNE for forcing me to get my real act together –
• MIRA for selfless lessons, you rock! –
• NILES – OMG – for being my girlfriend, hairstylist and therapist–
• OLIVIA – for knowing there was so much more and teaching me how to access it — and…
• DR. A — Well you know, why you’re on this list –Oops!  Okay, I’ll keep it private (wink) –

Noooo! STOP the music!  I’m not done yet — Really! PLEASE STOP!

Thank you… Mom… for all of your signs to FIND THE FUNNY through the madness and missteps and for giving me COURAGE (gulp!) to deliver the MAGIC –

Mom, this one’s for YOU!

(If you got an award who would you thank? Please let me know in the comments.)

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pink is a serious color

Hearing CODE WHATEVER on the loudspeaker is pretty typical in the hospital.  The most common ones are Code Blue (Medical Emergency) or Code Red (Fire/Smoke).

When it’s Code Red, the overhead lights start flashing like there’s no tomorrow and the doors auto-close and it’s easy to get a little freaked-out because what if there really was a fire and the doors closed so you couldn’t get out?  But every time I’ve heard “Code Red” (they always mention the location) within seconds there’s another announcement that says “Code Red All Clear.”

But today’s a different story. I’ve just dropped off a L & D (Labor & Delivery) Patient on 3 and I’m about to go back down to the E.R. when I hear –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

Code Pink = Infant Abduction. Code Pink means that EVERYONE on the staff – ANYWHERE in the hospital is supposed to drop what he/she is doing and BLOCK the nearest exit.

CODE PINK means –

1. Look for suspicious persons who seem panicky or in a hurry carry a large bundle, tote bag, gym bag or an infant.
2. Note gender, race, attire, description, direction of travel and mode of travel.
3. Call Security STAT!

My heart THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS as everyone on Staff behaves like a Soldier going off to battle. No one talks. We’re on a mission.  I leave my wheelchair in a corner and head to the doorway by the stairs. On my way I pass four Nurses standing in front of four elevators. No one is smiling.  I take the post at the top of the stairwell. My eyes dart up the stairs, down the stairs. I listen for suspicious sounds.

Amplified again –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

No one’s in sight. But I feel brave, ready react. Then a GIANT LUMP expands in my throat, as I imagine the Parents in a panic — the little Innocent unprotected.

Five minutes pass but it seems ten times longer. Then –

CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR. CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR!

Phew! I go back, grab the wheelchair and head down to the E.R. feeling shaken but feel really proud to be a part of the Staff. I’m glad I’d actually listened to Charlayne in the last Training Session.

I see Dr. A downstairs and tell him about the experience, forgetting he knows (DUH!) since the loudspeaker blasts hospital-wide!

He’s really sweet though and gives me the warmest smile ever — and says CODE PINK always throws him too. Apparently it was the Baby Lojac system. The Parents left before the ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET was removed.

YIKES! I’ll never-ever-ever hear another CODE ANYTHING in quite the same way again. Would you?

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not the time to cop an attitude

Are you Half-Full?

My mom was (even to the end). And she really-really tried to pass her look-on-the-bright-sideness to me.  I thought about her A LOT on Friday…

Lucky or Unlucky, depending on how you look at it.

It’s a typical I’ve-planned-too-many-things-Friday when I realize traffic isn’t cooperating. The thing is, since they started construction on the 405 (which seems like for.ever ago) there’s no way to know how long it’ll take to go anywhere in this city! I get up early and head to the Westside, because I’m addicted to Steve Ross’s classes at Maha Yoga and the juice cleanses from Pressed Juicery at 26^th & San Vicente.

Feeling mellow after class and carrot-coconut juice I figure I’ve got plenty of time to make it to my Acting Class in West Hollywood. WRONG!  Heading east, there’s gridlock everywhere. Sunset’s backed-up. Wilshire’s backed-up. So I end up driving through the residential streets – meaning stop sign to stop sign —  through Westwood, then Beverly Hills — and that’s where I realize I’m running out of time. So I  sorta scoot through one intersection, forgetting to yield to the guy in the truck to my left. Oops! Two blocks and multiple flashing-lights later I get BUSTED!

As the tallish, good-looking Bev Hills cop approaches, I blurt out –

I know exactly what I did!

Surprisingly, he comes back with –

Well I don’t think you did it intentionally so I’m going to give you a warning ticket for the yield issue, but a correctable ticket since your brake light’s out.

(Whaaaa? My brake light’s out ?) But actually, I’m so effing relieved I won’t have to deal with Traffic School that I thank him and ask him what that means. He says I just need to go to any Police Station for an inspection after I get the brake light fixed.

After class instead of procrastinating like I usually do, I go to the Hollywood Toyota dealer and get my Pruis brake light replaced. Then I go to the Police Station in West Hollywood for my inspection… But when I go to pay my $15.00 inspection fee, the cops there start laughing because their computer system’s down so they can’t charge me. Yesss!

On my way home, I call Niles (don’t worry, I use hands-free) and playback my story. He tells me I should stop and buy a lottery ticket on the way home, since it’s apparently my LUCKY day.

Would you call it LUCKY or UNLUCKY?  Depends, right? Mom would say “LUCKY”  but for as for me — well um,  I’m still working on my Half-Fullness. Ahahaha…

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Just got home from an exhausting Sunday eve in the E.R. and before I watch “Entourage” I need to vent about the CHALLENGES OF COMMUNICATION, specifically about – -

Being HEARD!

It’s the 5:00 to 9:00 shift and I land in the waiting room from hell! Anthony Chan is being particularly pissy. Multi-tasking, he takes vitals of a SOB (in E.R. speak that’s “shortness of breath” guys) and answers the phone abruptly but he keeps getting interrupted by this 60ish man who looks like he’s about to blow a gut. The gut blower demands that Anthony listen to him NOW.  Anthony snaps condescendingly –

 Sir, please take a seat!

This makes the man MADDER and MADDER and he gets LOUDER and LOUDER, leading to a head-butting encounter between Miguel and the Mad Man (he’s no Don Draper btw.)  Miguel’s Security Guard macho-ness enflames the situation even more.

So I come to the rescue.

Yes – me!  Maybe it’s because I’m just starting my shift and haven’t been hammered all day by complainers, coughers and catastrophes. Maybe my morning beach run and yoga class actually did put me in the zone. But basically I just LISTEN to him vent about his wife’s long wait and how she’d been in the Cancer Center all night getting transfused and how he can’t bear to watch her suffer in a freezing E.R. waiting room for three hours where nobody gives a…

FLYING F_ _ _ !

I head over to the wife with an apology and blanket and tell the couple I’ll be right back after I look for a room.  I find one (thankfully) and call EVS (Environmental Services) to clean it. Then I sweet talk Anthony into letting them go next. The man feels heard. The wife feels like we care. And I feel like NURSE NIGHTINGALE! (Usually I feel like Nurse Jackie – ahaha, just kidding!)

The E.R.’s kinda microcosmic in terms of the world in general.  See, we may be different ethnicities with different levels of education experiencing different levels of stress, but –

We all just want to be HEARD!

We want someone to CARE. We want to MATTER.

So whether it’s a couple battling Cancer or two countries battling each other or our significant others NOT listening, we escalate internally BIG TIME if we feel ignored. Thing is, we need more than…

Chillax!

Blowing someone off is NOT funny!

Are you listening?

(Okay, so what makes you feel dissed? Share in the comments!)

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he needs a bear hug

Arrivederci vacay!
Last night it’s back to my dreaded reality (ugh!) Running late, I’m already in deep do-do as I listen to three escalating voicemails from Charlayne, translating to: “Where the F are you!?”

The ER is a Zoo –

Triage is backed up. A worried Mommy carries in a little cutie whose curly blond locks are now stained blood red from a nasty fall. Then there’s this seven year-old scared kid who limps in with his Mom. And a nice voluptuous Latina who in-between constant calls on her cell, apologizes as her “UNCLE” upchucks all the way to the men’s room.

As I escort the limping kid (now on the verge of tears) to Bed 18, I try (unsuccessfully) to cheer him up. We pass by Dr. Adam COUGHING as he finishes up dictation on the phone –

ADAM: You’re BACK!
ME: You’re SICK!

I’m thinking: “Have you seen a doctor?” when I realize he sees one every time he looks in the mirror (ahaha!)
I covertly dial: 310 274 0101

After his unconvincing, “I’m really okay, COUGH COUGH!”  Dr. A disappears into 18 where the kid is now really worked up. I sort of peek from the doorway and see Adam pretending to check different parts of him with a tickle here and a tickle there, saying “Does it hurt here? Or here?” And the kid actually laughs. So I’m kinda loving Dr. A right now.

I get beeped on my phone (oh, yeah – the delivery guy) and I run out front. When I come back carrying a bag from Nate n Al’s I see Adam coming out of 18 –

ADAM:  I guess I’d better go home COUGH.

ME:  Here. Matzo ball soup with extra noodles.

ADAM: Aw, that’s something my mom would do.

ME:  Not what I was going for.

ADAM:  No chance (cute grin) COUGH!

ME:  K, well um feel better.

ADAM:  Already do.

As he COUGHS his way out the door I realize I do too. Being back isn’t so bad after all. Ahaha!

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