Funny Stories + Hollywood Hurts | Evie Stewart's Funny Bone » h-h-help!

Feeling Frustrated

Evie... — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:10:53 +0000

kill me now

They say — “Timing is everything” but when is it gonna to be my time? The right time? Time to cash a paycheck? Booking a job is like an oasis – it seems like it’s right there in front of me…like I’m on the verge. But when I get closer it just vaporizes into a cloud of disappointment. I feel like I’m constantly letting down the people who care about me — the ones who believe in me… it totally sucks.

I keep trying to —

Optimisticize myself

Work hard

Hone my craft

Network

Buck up

Self-motivate

Keep the door open

Find The Funny

Keep The Faith

Make lemonade

But frankly I feel –

Discouraged

Pessimistic

Frustrated

Like a failure

Sad

Mad

Bad

Blue

Euuuuu

Ugh!

I need to get over myself…

Uhm… I need to book a job!

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CASTING DIRECTORS: Connecting or Not?

Evie... — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:36:26 +0000

Am I in or out?

As an Actor my sense of self-worth is unfortunately tied to the attitude of the last Casting Director I’ve seen. Right now I’m not exactly in the find-the-funny-frame-of-mind, because in November and December when Auditions are so few-and-far-between, a low self-esteem period can seem endless and hopeless

VIBES FROM CASTING DIRECTORS

A lot of Casting Directors tend to put out negative vibes. I get the sense that if they could’ve been actors, well…they would’ve. I don’t get a hugely creative vibe from the majority — which is kind of crazy, considering the job they’re setting out to do. Of course there are EXCEPTIONS, and once you do a good job for one, it’s likely that his/her attitude will shift from unnerving to something more encouraging.

WAITING FOR A SIGN

I always look to the CD after I’ve finished my read to see if I get silent feedback like a nod or a wink or a thumbs up, which does actually happen. They’re not really allowed to speak once the producers are in the room. It’s almost as if they’re also on trial at that point. So I find that I’m not the only one trying to impress the people in the room. And I feel this responsibility to the CD to show him/her off, in return for bringing me into the room in the first place.

At a recent Audition for a rather large role in a big studio comedy, I walked in, smiling enthusiastically –

I would love to play this part!

Then, from the Head of Casting –

“Well, here’s your chance, with this tone in her voice that implied, It will NEVER happen!

That was fun.

Afterwards I mentioned to my Agent, that it was a really weird room and the next day we found out that the miserable woman had been fired.

So I’ve learned that it’s really not so much about me. Of course when I get a good response from a CD, I’m elated all day. The next day however, when I haven’t heard any word about getting the job, well… that’s a different story. Sigh…

(Now remind me again — why did I think that becoming an Actor was a good idea?)

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IDENTITY CRISIS: Who Am I?

Evie... — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 16:01:00 +0000

acting sucks

I go from rising to falling star before anyone knows or gives a “F”. Am I talented or just kidding myself? It’s getting harder and harder to tell. Confidence is disappearing. How do I get the magic back? I don’t wannabe a wannabe. I wannabe where I was… before I knew it… before I blew it… Where’s the funny? I can’t find it. Where’s my “lost and found”?

Sure it’s shallow to wallow, but still I feel it…deeply…darkly. Sorry to drag you through this. I know I sound pathetic.

Big shock — they decided to go another way –

The world has bigger problems.

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Living By The Code

Evie... — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 21:01:11 +0000

pink is a serious color

Hearing CODE WHATEVER on the loudspeaker is pretty typical in the hospital. The most common ones are Code Blue (Medical Emergency) or Code Red (Fire/Smoke).

When it’s Code Red, the overhead lights start flashing like there’s no tomorrow and the doors auto-close and it’s easy to get a little freaked-out because what if there really was a fire and the doors closed so you couldn’t get out? But every time I’ve heard “Code Red” (they always mention the location) within seconds there’s another announcement that says “Code Red All Clear.”

But today’s a different story. I’ve just dropped off a L & D (Labor & Delivery) Patient on 3 and I’m about to go back down to the E.R. when I hear –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

Code Pink = Infant Abduction. Code Pink means that EVERYONE on the staff – ANYWHERE in the hospital is supposed to drop what he/she is doing and BLOCK the nearest exit.

CODE PINK means –

Look for suspicious persons who seem panicky or in a hurry carry a large bundle, tote bag, gym bag or an infant.
Note gender, race, attire, description, direction of travel and mode of travel.
Call Security STAT!

My heart THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS as everyone on Staff behaves like a Soldier going off to battle. No one talks. We’re on a mission. I leave my wheelchair in a corner and head to the doorway by the stairs. On my way I pass four Nurses standing in front of four elevators. No one is smiling. I take the post at the top of the stairwell. My eyes dart up the stairs, down the stairs. I listen for suspicious sounds.

Amplified again –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

No one’s in sight. But I feel brave, ready react. Then a GIANT LUMP expands in my throat, as I imagine the Parents in a panic — the little Innocent unprotected.

Five minutes pass but it seems ten times longer. Then –

CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR. CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR!

Phew! I go back, grab the wheelchair and head down to the E.R. feeling shaken but feel really proud to be a part of the Staff. I’m glad I’d actually listened to Charlayne in the last Training Session.

I see Dr. A downstairs and tell him about the experience, forgetting he knows (DUH!) since the loudspeaker blasts hospital-wide!

He’s really sweet though and gives me the warmest smile ever — and says CODE PINK always throws him too. Apparently it was the Baby Lojac system. The Parents left before the ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET was removed.

YIKES! I’ll never-ever-ever hear another CODE ANYTHING in quite the same way again. Would you?

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Communication Gap

Evie... — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 05:18:38 +0000

Just got home from an exhausting Sunday eve in the E.R. and before I watch “Entourage” I need to vent about the CHALLENGES OF COMMUNICATION, specifically about – -

Being HEARD!

It’s the 5:00 to 9:00 shift and I land in the waiting room from hell! Anthony Chan is being particularly pissy. Multi-tasking, he takes vitals of a SOB (in E.R. speak that’s “shortness of breath” guys) and answers the phone abruptly but he keeps getting interrupted by this 60ish man who looks like he’s about to blow a gut. The gut blower demands that Anthony listen to him NOW. Anthony snaps condescendingly –

Sir, please take a seat!

This makes the man MADDER and MADDER and he gets LOUDER and LOUDER, leading to a head-butting encounter between Miguel and the Mad Man (he’s no Don Draper btw.) Miguel’s Security Guard macho-ness enflames the situation even more.

So I come to the rescue.

Yes – me! Maybe it’s because I’m just starting my shift and haven’t been hammered all day by complainers, coughers and catastrophes. Maybe my morning beach run and yoga class actually did put me in the zone. But basically I just LISTEN to him vent about his wife’s long wait and how she’d been in the Cancer Center all night getting transfused and how he can’t bear to watch her suffer in a freezing E.R. waiting room for three hours where nobody gives a…

FLYING F_ _ _ !

I head over to the wife with an apology and blanket and tell the couple I’ll be right back after I look for a room. I find one (thankfully) and call EVS (Environmental Services) to clean it. Then I sweet talk Anthony into letting them go next. The man feels heard. The wife feels like we care. And I feel like NURSE NIGHTINGALE! (Usually I feel like Nurse Jackie – ahaha, just kidding!)

The E.R.’s kinda microcosmic in terms of the world in general. See, we may be different ethnicities with different levels of education experiencing different levels of stress, but –

We all just want to be HEARD!

We want someone to CARE. We want to MATTER.

So whether it’s a couple battling Cancer or two countries battling each other or our significant others NOT listening, we escalate internally BIG TIME if we feel ignored. Thing is, we need more than…

Chillax!

Blowing someone off is NOT funny!

Are you listening?

(Okay, so what makes you feel dissed? Share in the comments!)

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“Social” Media?

Evie... — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 17:40:28 +0000

connected or disconnected?

I should really feel popular right now.

I’ve got:

But, no matter how plugged in I am, the phone never rings…

Am I just the sum of my likes and comments?

Why with all this connecting do I feel less connected?

Do you miss the days when you could tell someone something and it wouldn’t be blasted all over the Internet? I do. It was called a Secret.

It’s weird that we’re getting used to limiting our thoughts to 140 characters, right? We could all go a little deeper and say a lot more. Or are we afraid Attention Spans have gotten too short and no one will listen? (Wait– are you listening? Exactly!)

When was the last time you received a hand-written letter? Can’t remember can you? So sad.

What if LOVE LETTERS become extinct?

What will we save in our attics? Thumb drives?

Does “Social” Media really make us social-able, or does it disable us socially?

Remember…. Intimacy?

POOF! Right?

I’m gonna go write Niles a real letter. He just lost his boyfriend and can use some Evie love… (Wait– how much postage does it take for a letter these days? I just realized I have no idea.)

Does Social Media make you feel more connected or less? Lemme know in the comments. Thx!

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Dear Innocent Heartbreaker:

Evie... — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 07:19:38 +0000

Your job has you saying ‘no’ all-day-every-day to lots of people and projects and material even if you like them, and that can’t be easy on you. So I’m here with a new way to help you say ‘YES!” and get that good karma flowing again.

It’s so NOT what you think –

I won’t beg you to look at me (no one likes a needy girl, ewww.)
I won’t tease you with my long blond hair and my killer smile (oh, right – I won’t do that.)
and I won’t chase after you with my long legs (I hate stalkers, obvi!)

But if you don’t take a sec to imagine finding say, the next Goldie Hawn or the next Anna Faris or the next Evie Stewart — (I like the way that sounds!) — won’t you feel awful when someone else does? In a big way?

If you really don’t want to fall for an up-and-coming actress who trips on her way up the ladder and falls (face first) into a court-ordered volunteer smock (fugly!) at a busy ER… then I can’t force you.

But when you first heard about me, you liked it all enough to ask for more… anything I can do to help you, uh, get to know me better? Maybe well enough to get introduced to your colleagues, to your boss, to your friend at the agency…?

Being an actress up for a part must be soooo much like being a screenwriter waiting to hear back about a submitted script. Audition, wait, submit, follow-up. Ugh. It never gets any easier either, does it?

So, my dear Innocent Heartbreaker — I know you don’t MEAN to keep me in limbo, waiting to hear back after that first fun meeting when you heard all about my life and adventures and all this. But if you could please put me and my FUNNY BONE back on your to-do list for this week, I’d loooove to hear from you…

Thanks!
xo – Evie

PS: Even if the chemistry’s not right on this one, it’s not your fault or my fault, so no hard feelings ’cause there’s always next time, right?

PSS: I’m closing the comments on this post for the first time ever ’cause I’m feeling insecure, but I know you guys are with me in spirit like always. Fingers crossed!

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Hospital Heartthrobs: Mixed Messages

Evie... — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 15:19:28 +0000

It’s another Monday morning and once again, I feel totally confused by my Sunday night ER shift.

Every time I see Dr. A at the hospital, I suffer from “white coat syndrome-itis.” My pulse races. My chest gets all red and splotchy. I get nervous in a way that only happens when I’m in a really important audition.

BUT I’m super confused by his ambivalence. Sometimes I can tell he’s really into seeing me. Other times he’s seems completely allergic to my charms.

Here are the good signs…

When I catch him looking at me (before he looks away).
When he stands really close to me (and I know it’s not an accident).
When he remembers something I said (when I didn’t think he was listening).
When he mentions something I wore (when I didn’t think he noticed).
When he laughs at something I said (when I wasn’t even trying to be funny).

On the other hand, we do work together and he seems kind of paranoid about doing anything that’s not doctor-ish. I guess he is supposed to be there for a reason – um, like saving lives.

In my never-ending goal to figure out how he feels, I’ve decided to research other hospital relationships (even though they’re not exactly real). But hey – isn’t TV based on real life?

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Alex Karev: “For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it’s everything.”

(Private Practice)
Dr. Pete Wilder: “Listen, about the fantasies. Just wanted to say that I’m not above a fantasy or two… about you.”

(ER)
Dr. Doug Ross: “I’m not a grown-up doctor. ”
Nurse Lydia Wright: “Yes, we know.”

(ER)
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don’t even know who she is!
Abby Lockhart: She knows who you are.
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don’t think so.
Abby Lockhart: Oh, Luka, every woman who works in the hospital knows who you are. Trust me.

(House)
Cameron: “Could pain medication cause an orgasm?”
House: “I wish.”

(ER)
Dr. Doug Ross: “You can get through my door.”
Carol Hathaway: “Anything wearing a bra can get through your door.”

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Derek Shepherd: “It’s not the chase.”
Meredith Grey: “What?”
Derek Shepherd: “You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It’s not a game. It’s… it’s your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair. ”
Meredith Grey: “My hair?”
Derek Shepherd: “It smells good. And you’re very, very ballsy. It keeps me in line.”
Meredith Grey: “I’m still not going out with you. ”
Derek Shepherd: “You say that now.”

(ER)
Dr. Kerry Weaver:‘You know what? I’m really very flattered. It’s just that I’m, uh… I mean… gosh, you’re such a beautiful woman. You’re… you’re so beautiful. But I’m… I… I’m straight… I mean, I don’t… I’m straight. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don’t know… I don’t know what’s… ”
[starts laughing, then stops abruptly]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: “I mean, I’m sorry… I just… I don’t… I feel very… ”
[exhales]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: “… I’m… You know what?… I… I just… I mean, I… I guess I never even really considered this.”

(Private Practice)
Addison: “I don’t want to be just another notch on your acupuncture table. I want more.”
Pete: “What do you say we just see how it goes… tonight?”
Addison: “I can work with that.”

(ER)
Carol Hathaway: “What if the elevator moves? You could get killed!”
Dr. Doug Ross: “Well, then you won’t have to worry about a commitment.”
Carol Hathaway: “Doug, I’m serious!”

(Chicago Hope)
Geiger:” Am I the only one in this hospital not having sex?”

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Meredith Grey: Don’t look at me like that, like you’ve seen me naked.

Thanks Meredith — that’s EXACTLY how I feel! Actually in my case he has NOT seen me naked, but I feel like he can see a part of me no one else can see (and that’s a little scary!)

To be continued… (ahahaha!)

(What on-the-job romances or almost-romances have you experienced? Share in the comments.)

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Love Hurts: ER Drama

Evie... — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:10:43 +0000

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxPcmi1U25g

I’m the first to admit that unexpected hotspots can be sizzly, but after last night in the ER, I’m going to be a lot more cautious in that particular creative department, though you’d think I would’ve learned that lesson by now (oops!)

Mira and I are on the verge of signing out, when Anthony and this other male nurse come out of the Treatment area, whispering about two teens who were just brought in. So I pull Mira into the back, where we see Jacob the paramedic (Mira’s crushing on), reporting to the Charge Nurse about the Guy and his Girlfriend lying there on stretchers, with tons of surface cuts and dried blood all over their sweats. They apparently crashed through a glass tabletop while they were doing it. Ouch!

Feeling the Pain In Unexpected Places

The cute Guy looks pretty bad, all stiff and still, probably because it’s too painful to move. His Girlfriend’s cuts aren’t as obvious, but by her squirming, I suspect her glass fragments are going to be tricky to get out and I feel bad for her.

The Girlfriend’s crying and begging the Charge Nurse to NOT call their parents, but they’re obviously under eighteen, so the hospital has to do it. Bummer.

Mira decides to stay and hang because she’s a good person (plus Jacob’s still there). Before I leave, I go up to the girl and tell her that usually when parents get called into the ER for their kids, the ONLY thing they care about is making sure their kids are okay, which calms her a little.

On my way out, I say (and mean it)…

“You’re gonna be okay.”

(Something embarrassing you’re dying to share ? –ahaha!– Say it in the comments.)

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Facebook Fan Page = Bad Timing?

Evie... — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:02:25 +0000

My number's missing zeroes

My Facebook Fan Page

Makes me feel a little–

Desperate
Pathetic
Lame
Insane
Psychotic

I don’t get why it’s a good idea to have a Fan Page now at the lowest point of my career–

At least it feels lowest.

Oh no! What if it gets lower than this?

(help save me from total embarrassment and pu-leeze become a fan)