Funny Stories + Hollywood Hurts | Evie Stewart's Funny Bone » funny ‘ha-ha’

20 More NEW YEAR’S EVE SUPERSTITIONS

Evie... — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:01:23 +0000

if only I could affect the future

Last year I tried out a few New Year’s Superstitions (NOT all 20). If nothing else, I had a good laugh. I opened all of the windows — let the old year escape, danced around a tree, and let my dirty locks flow through the air (oh yeah, I was a sight to behold!)

The Jury’s Still Out –

I have no idea if they worked or not, but things could be a lot worse! I’ve just researched 20 more and figure they’re worth trying. You never know…

WEAR NEW CLOTHES on New Years Day and you’ll get more during the year –
(isabel marant? vanessa bruno? barneys? hope-hope!)

NOISE MAKERS:. Blast the Fireworks, Ring Church Bells — scare away the meanies –
(time to blast Briana!)

MIDNIGHT KISS that person you’ll want to rekiss all year –
(guess I’ll be working the ER night shift…hmmm…)

DRAIN THE BOTTLE and good fortune will come your way –
(a little suggestive, isn’t it?)

JUMP SEVEN WAVES and THROW FLOWERS INTO THE SEA for good luck –
(if you’re not near the ocean, you might have a problem)

SCATTER COINS around the house so money will come your way all year round –
(this seems pretty obvious — just look for it in your house)

HIDE KNIVES in the house for 24 hours so no one will be hurt and the fortune will remain undisturbed –
(sounds like the beginning of a horror flick)

LIGHT UP the house so the coming year will be bright –
(this sounds like something my mom would’ve made up)

WEAR POLKA DOTS – anything round signifies prosperity –
(this might be tough to pull off, unless you’re a clown)

JUMP 12 TIMES at midnight to increase your height –
(maybe do this before you drain the bottle, otherwise things could get messy)

EAT STICKY RICE, to make good fortune stick in the New Year –
(I love Asian food anyway)

WORK IT OUT: Do a sample of the work you’d like to have loads of in the year –
(I’ll be making a tape to send Jason Reitman!)

FIRST FOOTING: The first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight will influence the year you’re about to have –
(i’ve got an emergency — a certain doctor needs to stop by!)

FILL YOUR POCKETS on New Years Eve you will never have an empty pocket in the New Year –
(i need a pocket full of miracles)

WALK YOUR LUGGAGE out of your house and around the block encourages travel in your New Year.
(or travel to the nearest mental facility if anyone notices you doing this)

EAT GREENS and you’ll have lots of green money in the coming year.
(La Scala chopped salad?)

THROW RICE GRAINS at midnight and you’ll have an abundance –
(of what? Rice? Weddings? A mess to clean up?)

Put a GOLD RING in your champagne glass and you’ll have prosperity –
(unless you swallow it — then life will be a lot shorter)

CLIMB A CHAIR 12 times will make you find a boyfriend or girlfriend next year –
(wait.. how do you climb up a chair?)

BE UNDER THE TABLE and WEAR RED UNDERWEAR at midnight and you’ll get married next year –
(I’m not telling you what color underwear I’ll be wearing, but if you’re under the table with me, you might find out! ahaha!)

(What superstitions do you follow on New Year’s Eve?)

Liked that? Check out:

AWKWARD.

Evie... — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 12:56:28 +0000

A W K W A R D. is my latest TV addiction!

high school humiliation

And on MTV – who knew?

It’s about a girl who becomes popular for the worst reasons –

OK, yeah – I know I know. So that’s partially why I “get” JENNA and (need to) learn from her as she “acts” calmer than she feels in the red face of disaster. But, even if we weren’t on an embarrassing parallel universe — if we’d been in high school together, we would’ve bonded. And yeah, I can SO imagine Jenna living my life ten years from now (sorry, girlfriend but I’ll teach you how to modify the fugly outfit.) Yep. SOULMATES.

The writing’s smart and authentic. It’s kinda “My-So-Called-Life-ish“ — charmingly painful and painfully charming. I love that Jenna’s friends and frenemies aren’t cookie-cutterish. Like SADIE (short for “sadistic?”) –– I mean, she looks more Rosie O’Donnell than your typical high school she-devil, but was clearly trained in bitchery by Blair Waldorf!

Luvluvluv guidance counselor VALERIE, as she tries to best-bud Jenna into revealing her deepest and darkest. And don’t get me started on MATTY McKibben (Jenna’s Dr. A). Seriously, in the last moments of Episode 2, “Knocker Nightmare” Matty kinda channels the “best of” Jordan Catalano and Ben Covington (thump thump).

Um yeah, Matty had me at –

I was tryin’.

Speaking of tryin’ – Try to watch AWKWARD. as soon as you possibly can!

You’ll FIND THE FUNNY as Jenna attempts to overcome her embarrassment and survive high school –

Kinda like me finding the funny as I attempt to overcome my embarrassment and survive…well…EVERYTHING!

Ahahaha…

Liked that? Check out:

Italy: Searching for Restaurants, Great Finds and George Clooney

Evie... — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 08:25:37 +0000

protection from the paparazzi

Finding the Funny in Italy –

In the short time I’ve been in Lake Como,

I…

couldn’t get the car in reverse and had to be pushed
encountered a bus and lost my side mirror
boarded the wrong train, twice
went to the wrong restaurant and unknowingly took someone’s reservation
got a rope stuck in a boat motor and got stuck with a big charge

Good Times! (but it’s what memories are made of, right?) Meanwhile, I’ve also made some –

Awesome Discoveries

water view of George's villa

After hearing that George Clooney and his girlfriend broke up, I just happened to discover the location of his villa on my morning walk. My first clue was seeing two Paparrazzi hanging out behind a big black gate. My second clue was seeing a parade of glamorous blonds with snug white jackets over glittery tops and tight white jeans circling on mopeds. My third (and best) clue was when I was in a water taxi and the driver Ricardo showed me where George’s house, office and guest house were.

George's office and guest house

The next day a cute Italian named Simone invited me to dine at Aquadolce, a hot spot near hot George. It was belissima and deliciousa, but not quite as fabulousa as it would’ve been with George. Ahahaha!

hot spot near hot George

Liked that? Check out:

Identity Crisis in the ER

Evie... — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 15:50:39 +0000

don't tell

Last night in the ER was actually funny in an OMG-this-could’a-turned-out-so-much-worse way!

An elegantly dressed 80-ish man (with his grandson) comes in asking to see his wife who was just brought in by the a paramedics. I ask the last name and go look it up on the computer. She’s listed in Bed 6. So I go there to ask her if it’s okay to bring back her husband. But she’s asleep — with a breathing apparatus — and I can’t see her very well. She’s a little overweight and looks a tad bit masculine to me, but I’ve heard that sometimes happens as women get older (ugh, kill me now!) Still I’m not sure (but we Piscean chicks are never sure.)

Working in the E.R. can be a little confusing!

So I go back to Triage and I ask the husband if his wife has short white hair. He tells me, “yes — she went to the hairdresser this week.” So I go –

This is weird, because I’ve never asked this before, but do you happen to have a picture of your wife?

The grandson pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of Nana (they’d just been out to dinner — celebrating something.)

I look at the picture and now see the similarities. Her white hair is short and she’s a little overweight. Yay. So feeling more confident, I tell the husband his wife’s asleep, but I’ll take him back.

I escort him to Bed 6 where he stares at her for what seems like a verrrrry long time. Then he whispers to me, “I don’t think that’s my wife.”

And I say –

It’s a MAN isn’t it?!

AWKWARD! Then, he nods and we both giggle.

He comes out and sees his wife next to Bed 6 in a hallway bed (ooohhh) and I put my finger up to my lips and whisper, “Don’t tell anyone what just happened”

As I walk away, he starts telling his wife the “funniest story” and I mouth –

NOOOOOOOO!

Still, it coulda’ been SO much worse – like what if we’d walked into an exam of her “personal parts?!”

YIKES! It could’a been like the Crying Game or Hangover 2!

Ahahaha!

Liked that? Check out:

“How To” Make Your Own Mother’s Day Memories

Evie... — Sun, 08 May 2011 17:54:45 +0000

learning from the best

My Mom always loved HATS –

Comfy Knit Hats
English Straw Hats
Romantic 1920′s cloches

When I was little, my Dad taught me the expression — “Keep it under your hat!”

He (secretly) suggested that I make my Mom a HAT for Mother’s Day, which I thought was an AWESOME idea!

“DIY” kinda…

He showed me where “he’d” hidden flowers, ribbons and plastic cherries to decorate a plain straw hat, which was also in the same “hiding place.” I realize now – that no way could my Dad’ve come up with that idea. It’s so NOT a “guy’s idea” right? What I didn’t know then was that my Mom set it all up, so my Dad could help me “surprise” her. Soooo sweet!

Together my Dad and I made a ribbon band (clearly it was “the blind leading the blind”) and then we twisted wire on an assortment of flower and cherry stems in order to hide the un-pretty parts under the band (at least we tried.) And VOILA! I (we) created a CHAPEAU.

We wrapped it all up in a fabric covered hat box (also in the closet, which somehow I didn’t question) and tied it with a ribbon and a rose from the garden. Then I woke Mom up and she was completely SURPRISED, as you can imagine. Actually, she’s the one who should’ve become an Actress, since I completely bought her performance (too bad she can’t go to my auditions for me.)

Of course she wore the Hat, every chance she got — and she told everyone everyone EVERYONE that I was the Hat Designer.

Hats off to you, Mom –

for providing the SUNSHINE in my heart <3

(How are you celebrating Mother’s Day?)

Liked that? Check out:

Volunteering in the ER: a “love/hate” situation

Evie... — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 01:23:11 +0000

People always ask:

HOW can you stand to work in the ER!?

It’s weird, but now that I’ve done it for awhile, I’m sorta used to it. Some shifts are scarier than others. Or more frustrating — or sad. But every once in awhile, I’ll finish one that actually feels AWESOME!

listen with your heart

Do I love it? Well sometimes I feel good about it.
Do I hate it? Oh yeah! Big time.
Am I glad I do it? Being forced into it wasn’t the best intro –
but am I proud I do it? Well yeah — I kinda am.

Pros of Volunteering in the ER

It puts the minutiae of my life into perspective.
It’s more important than whether or not a casting director likes me.
It helps me, to help someone else.
People can be so appreciative when I do the smallest things.
It can be exhilarating or fun in a weird way, depending.
No one recognizes me in the fugly outfit.
My crocs are comfy.
There are more opportunities than you might think, to help the Staff, Patients and their Families — ”find the funny.”
I get to see a certain doctor.

Cons of Volunteering in the ER

Sometimes the tragedies stay with me long after I leave.
Patients and their Families tend to take out their frustrations on the Volunteers.
The rules change from week to week.
It totally messes with my life and my career.
When I do something wrong, it makes me feel like s__t.
It can be boring or frustrating depending.
The outfit’s really butt-ug!
The crocs make my feet look ginormous!

Would I recommend it to someone who wants to make a difference, in a hands-on-way ? Well, if you want a Volunteer position, where you never sit down because you’re so busy helping in a million different ways, then volunteering in the E.R. might be exactly what you’re looking for.

(Have you ever thought about volunteering in an ER?)

Liked that? Check out:

What’s so FUNNY?

Evie... — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 17:25:53 +0000

As a Comedy Actress (???) my question on this sunny (at least in L.A.) #findthefunnyMonday is:

What is funny?

feel good funny

According to the Free Dictionary online:

Funny [ˈfʌnɪ]

adj -nier, -niest

1. causing amusement or laughter; humorous; comical

2. peculiar; odd

3. suspicious or dubious (esp in the phrase funny business)

4. Informal faint or ill to feel funny

But when you think about it, there are so many kinds of “funny” and what’s funny to one person might not be funny to someone else. Obvi. When I’m auditioning for a comedy, if a CD reports back: “She wasn’t funny” is because I’m not funny or the material isn’t funny or the person watching the tape doesn’t get the writer’s idea of funny? A conundrum, that’s for sure.

I can see FUNNY in –

Ha Ha Funny
Sweet Funny
Ironically Funny
Embarrassingly Funny
Romantically Funny
Sarcastically Funny
Bizarrely Funny
Quirky Funny
Dirty Funny

But these kinds of FUNNY are NOT funny to me –

Potty Humor
Humor at the Expense of others AKA Cruel Funny

Have you ever walked out of a comedy and gone, “Whaaa?” What some people think is funny these days totally mystifies me. I for one do not get what is so funny about multiple jokes about bodily fluids, but apparently if you’re male between the ages of 12 and oh, I don’t know — like close to forty, potty humor makes your laugh meter go– well, bonkers!

My taste goes more toward quirky, ironic, sarcastic, embarrassing sweet FUNNY. But funny only works for me if the person creating it or playing it isn’t trying too hard. Over-working it doesn’t work for me.

Sometimes Funny is a combo of several different “funnies” like 500 DAYS OF SUMMER is Sweet Funny, Romantically Funny and Embarrassingly Funny. WIN WIN is Quirky Funny and Sweet Funny. And this old Elvis Costello video is clearly a combo of a lot of the “funnies” with a big dose of Embarrassingly Nerdy Funny! Ahaha!

(What’s FUNNY to you?)

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WWp67DsTk4&NR=1

Liked that? Check out:

Vids & Webisodes: My Faves

Evie... — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:31:11 +0000

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M948pizKuxk

Certain oldie-but-goody-vids still make me cry like Susan Boyle showing the world that what’s inside is more important than what’s outside and the “all time” best wedding dance vid “JK Wedding Dance” (which totally makes me want to plan my wedding even though at the moment I don’t have a groom in mind.)

Whenever I need to smile I just watch the “Chest Bump Montage”, which appeals to my inner-goof and I can’t explain why I think “Idiots” is so funny, I just do.

The entire “Mr. Old Spice” campaign totally rocks (not only for me, but for gazillions of others – Who knew?) I just can’t believe I got into it at the end of the campaign, because I have so many questions I’d like to ask Isaiah Mustafa (oh yeah!)

I’m just now introducing myself to webisodes (um, nice to meet you, even though I think people who make and watch these probably are a little psycho — in a good way of course.)

Look, I’m the first to admit I’m new to this world but now I finally have time to watch — (a benefit of being unemployed.)

Part of what’s amazing to me is the talent that’s shows up in these whack-isodes on My Damn Channel and FunnyorDie (Megan Mullally, Zoe Saldana, Elizabeth Banks, Kate Bosworth, Paul Rudd, Rashida Jones, Topher Grace…)

I think “Children’s Hospital” is totally out there, but I’d be very happy to step in for Malin Akerman when she’s making some mega movie, because actually now I have hands-on experience in the medical field and Malin and I are EXACTLY the same type (hint hint Rob Corddry!)

What = Funny is SO relative, right?

Personally I’m not into raunch, although I know many are.

I like –

a “little” suggestive
romantic embarrassment
finding the funny when it comes to the heart

That’s why MY Best Web Series Award would go to— “WAINY DAYS“, obvi!

(Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks it’s great, because David Wain got the 2010 Streamy Award for “Best writing in a comedy series.”) “WAINY DAYS” has so many amazing webisodes from #1 – “Shelly” to the current #32 Donna– there’s just so much to love while laughing.

And a word about Megan Mullally — I just luv, luv, luv her – whether she’s on the recently canceled “PARTY DOWN” or playing the “ER” Kerry Weaveresque Chief on “Children’s Hospital” or as Donna on “Wainy Days” she’s just SOOOOO good. I’ll take her “Own Special Blend” of comedy any day of the week.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aukH24thCOY

(What vids and webisodes do you find funny? Share in the comments!)

Liked that? Check out:

Making Wishes: 26 Ways

Evie... — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 16:06:50 +0000

magically thinking

Wow! I never knew there were so many opportunities to make wishes before I started researching this post. Here are 26 (2+6=8) of my faves. Of course, my wish for the first one would totally depend on who’s riding the horse .

In my research I discovered a site: http://www.real-wishes.com/ where you make a wish and keep going back to reinforce it for eight days (besides putting an 8 in the mirror at 11:11). I have absolutely no idea if it works, but they don’t ask for any personal info and it’s free, so it’s worth a try, right?

Wish Superstitions:

Make a wish at the sight of a white horse.
Make a wish when you cross a new bridge.
Touch blue and your wish will come true.
If you make a wish before you go up a hill and do not look back, your wish will come true.
Make a wish each time you eat a green M&M.
If you find a four-leaved clover, hold it above the head and make a wish.
Upon entering a strange house go to the kitchen and make a wish. It will come true.
Make a wish when you see three birds on a telephone wire.
Put a watermelon seed on your forehead and make a wish before it falls off
When you see a gray cat, look at its fore feet and make a wish. If you see it again, the wish will come to pass.
Make a wish before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake.
Make a wish on the first star you see at night.
Throw a coin in a fountain; make a wish when the water clears so you can see your reflection.
Make a wish on a new pair of shoes before you wear them for the first time.
Make a wish with another person on a wishbone. Each takes an end and pulls until it breaks. The person with the largest piece of bone gets the “lucky break” and the wish.
Make a wish on the first robin you see in the spring.
Find a penny, wear it in your left shoe, and your wish will come true.
If you drop a dish cloth, step over it and make a wish.
Wishes made on Midsummer’s Eve (June 23) are most likely to come true.
Hold your breath and make a wish while crossing a short straight bridge.
Make a wish when you see the first star and do not speak until you see another. The wish will come true.
When you see a shooting star, if you say “money” three times you will have a full pocket book.
If you find a horseshoe with the toe towards you, throw it over your right shoulder and make a wish.
If you see a crow flying through the air, make a wish. If he does not flap his wings before he goes out of sight, the wish will come true. If he does flap his wings, look away, and if you do not see him again your wish will come true.
Make a wish and throw a piece of wish vine over your right shoulder into the weeds. If it grows, your wish will come true.
A wish will come true if you make it while burning onions.

Oh, and btw – I also discovered that “A frog brings good luck to the house it enters.” But I guess it depends on whether or not he turns into a prince and likes the smell of burning onions. Ahahaha!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Fcft9j_ExQ

(What brings you good luck? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

HOT IN CLEVELAND: funny find!

Evie... — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:30:55 +0000

Hotties

On the home page of IMDB Pro right now is a picture of Betty White with the heading –

“HOT IN CLEVELAND is TV Land’s most –watched ever.”

Imagine – FOUR WOMEN (the youngest of which is 49) who in one show manage to bring in –

THE MOST FANS of TV Land’s History!

Four Actresses whose total ages add up to: 246!

Seriously this is HUGE news in a world where actresses like me start to worry when we’re barely on the wrong side of quarter-life.

Even though I had no idea what channel TV Land was on (thank god for Tivo!) I watched “HOT IN CLEVELAND” last night to see four sitcom legends (all previously on mega-networks) do something out-of-the-box and in-the-box at the very same time.

And BTW, they were – AWESOME!

HOT IN CLEVELAND may be pure sitcom but it manages to–
NOT feel outdated.

The jokes are modern–
but not dumb-funny,
or potty-humor funny,
or trying-too-hard funny
just– FEEL GOOD FUNNY

KUDOS to–
Jane Leeves, Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick and Betty White!

You ladies are–

HOT and HILARIOUS.

Way to go super-smarty producer Sean Hayes! Bet you’re laughing all the way to the bank. (And you managed to make TV news that rivals the Lakers’ big win and Roberto and Ali flying through the air in LION KING!)

Interestingly, HOT IN CLEVELAND is now the hottest show in TV Land’s history. How cool is that!?

(How hot do you plan to be when you’re hovering around the half-century mark? Share in the comments.)