Identity Crisis

Yesterday  when I was walking back to my car from the two hour spin/pilates portion of my day, a Hollywood tour bus passed me and the guide said into the microphone: “And here on our right is Paris Hilton.”

I turned to my left and smiled (I might’ve even laughed!) –

And witnessed a bus full of tourists spin from–

Oh my God is it her?!

– to laughing because it was a pretty good joke.

I have to say the most ridiculous part is that deep down I was actually pleased that people could’ve mistaken me for her from afar.

I mean, clearly I’m in my –

post-stomach-flu-skinny phase –

(Didn’t write about it, ‘cuz I didn’t want to gross you out.)

For once a Paris comparison doesn’t bother me at all! ‘Specially if it’s from behind when I’m in my gym leggings.

Totally made my day. But forget that I ever told this story. I’m not proud.

Hey — know what would really really really–

MAKE MY DAY?

When Paris is walking and the Hollywood tour bus goes by and the guide says into the microphone –

And here to our right is EVIE STEWART!

Ahahaha!

(Who have you been mistaken for? Tell in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• Film Faves: Currently Speaking
• Hollywood Flip: Staying Focused
• Vids & Webisodes: My Faves

Why do we feel safe with KNOWNS when there’s often greater possibility with UNKNOWNS?

“Conundrumly-speaking,” why is it human nature to–

distrust CHANGE?

Working in the ER is a little like working in Washington -

• There are too many chiefs.
• So many things go wrong.
• Customer satisfaction isn’t the best.

I was all prepared to totally rag on Saturday morning’s Annual Volunteer Meeting. I started taking blog-notes ready to catch any embarrassment that might occur.

These meetings are dreaded by most Volunteers because the changes that are announced usually make things harder on us to do our jobs. Instead of being Volunteers who help people, we become mini Policemen (like we can’t take visitors to certain areas, even if the patients are really scared and want someone they know with them.  Whaaa…  that’s not fair!)

Charlayne starts it out with her typical overboard positive passionate pep talk (her favorite book is the “Magic of Believing”) and ends with:

The doctors and nurses tell me how grateful they are that you’re here, even though they don’t interact with y’all as much as you’d like.

(There’s one in particular I’d like to um, interact with more. Oh yeah!)

So that’s Charlayne’s set-up to the CHANGES — the real point of the meeting.

But surprisingly (Monday morning is always filled with inspiration) the new changes sound like they’re gonna actually benefit the patients and their families.

Now we can –

• Offer blankets and pillows to anyone in the waiting area.
• Take two visitors back to see patients.
• Answer family members’ questions instead of pretending like we don’t know.

And you want to know what’s weird? The Volunteers started bitching about how the new changes won’t work. Like:

Now there’ll be dirty blankets and pillows ALL over triage.

Why do we resist even GOOD CHANGES?
What is it that makes what we know better than what we don’t know?

I for one am glad we’re allowed to bring blankets to patients in the waiting room. Now I won’t have to sneak them in like I did before. Ahaha!

(Why are we so afraid of change? What changes scare you? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• ER Volunteer “Floater”
• ER: CODE RED – Diet Karma
• Hospital Heartthrobs: Mixed Messages

Okay, so it’s another Monday morning and since I don’t have an Acting job right now (or any job, sadly) I just called Charlayne and told her I’d be okay with “volunteering” to be a “Floater.” A Floater is someone who gets called in when a regular Volunteer has something going on in his/her life and since I don’t have much going on –

I’ll Float For Now –

When I can–

Till things pick up –

Which’ll hopefully be soon.

I’m already having second thoughts though–

Apparently now I have to go to the Annual Volunteer Meeting. Noooo! Next Saturday morning! (Good Times, right?)

ALL the Volunteers on ALL the ER shifts get forced to go and apparently some people use it as a suck-up session (like those kids in school who drove us all nuts) or a venting session, so it can go on and on (ugh!)

Supposedly at the meeting Charlayne will tell us all the new rules. What for? Hospital rules always change, so why give up several hours on a weekend to find out the latest rules that’ll probably change before the next weekend? Don’t get me started on rules for Volunteers. I mean, they want us to help people, but they keep coming up with rules that make it impossible to help people.

But fine – I’ll try to be open and non-judgmental (ha!) until I, at least experience one of these meetings myself. Maybe there’ll be some cute boys there, although I seriously doubt it.

Volunteers tend to be pretty much limited to:

• Med students, who need  the hours,
• Nursing students, who need the hours.
• Empty-nesters whose kids have left for college.
• Oldies (with brains and bodies that still work) looking for purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, there are rewards to volunteering in the hospital like SUPER CUTE DOCTORS (one in particular) and FRIENDS like Mira and Tyrell who make even the most stressful shifts tolerable and GRATEFUL PATIENTS who tell me I’m an “Angel”  (LUV when that happens). I mean, I wouldn’t sign up to be a Floater if there wasn’t some feeling of satisfaction.

Still, I wish I could skip the meeting…

(What do you wish you could skip this week? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• Feeling Safe: Knowns vs Unknowns
• ER: CODE RED – Diet Karma
• Hospital Heartthrobs: Mixed Messages

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M948pizKuxk

Certain oldie-but-goody-vids still make me cry like Susan Boyle showing the world that what’s inside is more important than what’s outside and the “all time” best wedding dance vid “JK Wedding Dance” (which totally makes me want to plan my wedding even though at the moment I don’t have a groom in mind.)

Whenever I need to smile I just watch the “Chest Bump Montage”, which appeals to my inner-goof and I can’t explain why I think “Idiots” is so funny, I just do.

The entire “Mr. Old Spice” campaign totally rocks (not only for me, but for gazillions of others – Who knew?) I just can’t believe I got into it at the end of the campaign, because I have so many questions I’d like to ask Isaiah Mustafa (oh yeah!)

I’m just now introducing myself to webisodes (um, nice to meet you, even though I think people who make and watch these probably are a little psycho — in a good way of course.)

Look, I’m the first to admit I’m new to this world but now I finally have time to watch — (a benefit of being unemployed.)

Part of what’s amazing to me is the talent that’s shows up in these whack-isodes on My Damn Channel and FunnyorDie (Megan Mullally, Zoe Saldana, Elizabeth Banks, Kate Bosworth, Paul Rudd, Rashida Jones, Topher Grace…)

I think “Children’s Hospital” is totally out there, but I’d be very happy to step in for Malin Akerman when she’s making some mega movie, because actually now I have hands-on experience in the medical field and Malin and I are EXACTLY the same type (hint hint Rob Corddry!)

What = Funny is SO relative, right?

Personally I’m not into raunch, although I know many are.

I like --

• a “little” suggestive
• romantic embarrassment
• finding the funny when it comes to the heart

That’s why MY Best Web Series Award would go to— “WAINY DAYS“, obvi!

(Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks it’s great, because David Wain got the 2010 Streamy Award for “Best writing in a comedy series.”) “WAINY DAYS” has so many amazing webisodes from #1 – “Shelly” to the current #32 Donna--  there’s just so much to love while laughing.

And a word about Megan Mullally — I just luv, luv, luv her – whether she’s on the recently canceled “PARTY DOWN” or playing the “ER” Kerry Weaveresque Chief on “Children’s Hospital” or as Donna on “Wainy Days” she’s just SOOOOO good. I’ll take her “Own Special Blend” of comedy any day of the week.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aukH24thCOY

(What vids and webisodes do you find funny? Share in the comments!)

Liked that? Check out:

• 2010 Emmy Awards: I vote for MODERN FAMILY
• Film Faves: Currently Speaking
• HOT IN CLEVELAND: funny find!

Your job has you saying ‘no’ all-day-every-day to lots of people and projects and material even if you like them, and that can’t be easy on you.  So I’m here with a new way to help you say ‘YES!” and get that good karma flowing again.

It’s so NOT what you think –

• I won’t beg you to look at me (no one likes a needy girl, ewww.)
• I won’t tease you with my long blond hair and my killer smile (oh, right – I won’t do that.)
• and I won’t chase after you with my long legs (I hate stalkers, obvi!)

But if you don’t take a sec to imagine finding say, the next Goldie Hawn or the next Anna Faris or the next Evie Stewart — (I like the way that sounds!) — won’t you feel awful when someone else does? In a big way?

If you really don’t want to fall for an up-and-coming actress who trips on her way up the ladder and falls (face first) into a court-ordered volunteer smock (fugly!) at a busy ER… then I can’t force you.

But when you first heard about me, you liked it all enough to ask for more… anything I can do to help you, uh, get to know me better? Maybe well enough to get introduced to your colleagues, to your boss, to your friend at the agency…?

Being an actress up for a part must be soooo much like being a screenwriter waiting to hear back about a submitted script. Audition, wait, submit, follow-up. Ugh. It never gets any easier either, does it?

So, my dear Innocent Heartbreaker — I know you don’t MEAN to keep me in limbo, waiting to hear back after that first fun meeting when you heard all about my life and adventures and all this.  But if you could please put me and my FUNNY BONE back on your to-do list for this week, I’d loooove to hear from you…

Thanks!
xo – Evie

PS: Even if the chemistry’s not right on this one, it’s not your fault or my fault, so no hard feelings ’cause there’s always next time, right?

PSS: I’m closing the comments on this post for the first time ever ’cause I’m feeling insecure, but I know you guys are with me in spirit like always. Fingers crossed!

Liked that? Check out:

• Hospital Heartthrobs: Mixed Messages
• HOT IN CLEVELAND: funny find!
• Hollywood Flip: Staying Focused

magically thinking

Wow! I never knew there were so many opportunities to make wishes before I started researching this post.  Here are 26 (2+6=8) of my faves. Of course, my wish for the first one would totally depend on who’s riding the horse .

In my research I discovered a site: http://www.real-wishes.com/ where you make a wish and keep going back to reinforce it for eight days (besides putting an 8 in the mirror at 11:11). I have absolutely no idea if it works, but they don’t ask for any personal info and it’s free, so it’s worth a try, right?

Wish Superstitions:

• Make a wish at the sight of a white horse.
• Make a wish when you cross a new bridge.
• Touch blue and your wish will come true.
• If you make a wish before you go up a hill and do not look back, your wish will come true.
• Make a wish each time you eat a green M&M.
• If you find a four-leaved clover, hold it above the head and make a wish.
• Upon entering a strange house go to the kitchen and make a wish. It will come true.
• Make a wish when you see three birds on a telephone wire.
• Put a watermelon seed on your forehead and make a wish before it falls off
• When you see a gray cat, look at its fore feet and make a wish. If you see it again, the wish will come to pass.
• Make a wish before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake.
• Make a wish on the first star you see at night.
• Throw a coin in a fountain; make a wish when the water clears so you can see your reflection.
• Make a wish on a new pair of shoes before you wear them for the first time.
• Make a wish with another person on a wishbone. Each takes an end and pulls until it breaks. The person with the largest piece of bone gets the “lucky break” and the wish.
• Make a wish on the first robin you see in the spring.
• Find a penny, wear it in your left shoe, and your wish will come true.
• If you drop a dish cloth, step over it and make a wish.
• Wishes made on Midsummer’s Eve (June 23) are most likely to come true.
• Hold your breath and make a wish while crossing a short straight bridge.
• Make a wish when you see the first star and do not speak until you see another. The wish will come true.
• When you see a shooting star, if you say “money” three times you will have a full pocket book.
• If you find a horseshoe with the toe towards you, throw it over your right shoulder and make a wish.
• If you see a crow flying through the air, make a wish. If he does not flap his wings before he goes out of sight, the wish will come true. If he does flap his wings, look away, and if you do not see him again your wish will come true.
• Make a wish and throw a piece of wish vine over your right shoulder into the weeds. If it grows, your wish will come true.
• A wish will come true if you make it while burning onions.

Oh, and btw – I also discovered that “A frog brings good luck to the house it enters.”  But I guess it depends on whether or not he turns into a prince and likes the smell of burning onions. Ahahaha!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Fcft9j_ExQ

(What brings you good luck? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• HOT IN CLEVELAND: funny find!
• Vids & Webisodes: My Faves
• 2010 Emmy Awards: I vote for MODERN FAMILY

It’s another Monday morning and once again, I feel totally confused by my Sunday night ER shift.

Every time I see Dr. A at the hospital, I suffer from “white coat syndrome-itis.” My pulse races. My chest gets all red and splotchy. I get nervous in a way that only happens when I’m in a really important audition.

BUT I’m super confused by his ambivalence. Sometimes I can tell he’s really into seeing me. Other times he’s seems completely allergic to my charms.

Here are the good signs…

• When I catch him looking at me (before he looks away).
• When he stands really close to me (and I know it’s not an accident).
• When he remembers something I said (when I didn’t think he was listening).
• When he mentions something I wore (when I didn’t think he noticed).
• When he laughs at something I said (when I wasn’t even trying to be funny).

On the other hand, we do work together and he seems kind of paranoid about doing anything that’s not doctor-ish. I guess he is supposed to be there for a reason  – um, like saving lives.

In my never-ending goal to figure out how he feels, I’ve decided to research other hospital relationships (even though they’re not exactly real). But hey – isn’t TV based on real life?

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Alex Karev: “For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it’s everything.”

(Private Practice)
Dr. Pete Wilder: “Listen, about the fantasies. Just wanted to say that I’m not above a fantasy or two… about you.”

(ER)
Dr. Doug Ross: “I’m not a grown-up doctor. ”
Nurse Lydia Wright: “Yes, we know.”

(ER)
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don’t even know who she is!
Abby Lockhart: She knows who you are.
Dr. Luka Kovac: I don’t think so.
Abby Lockhart: Oh, Luka, every woman who works in the hospital knows who you are. Trust me.

(House)
Cameron: “Could pain medication cause an orgasm?”
House: “I wish.”

(ER)
Dr. Doug Ross: “You can get through my door.”
Carol Hathaway: “Anything wearing a bra can get through your door.”

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Derek Shepherd: “It’s not the chase.”
Meredith Grey: “What?”
Derek Shepherd: “You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It’s not a game. It’s… it’s your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair. ”
Meredith Grey: “My hair?”
Derek Shepherd: “It smells good. And you’re very, very ballsy. It keeps me in line.”
Meredith Grey: “I’m still not going out with you. ”
Derek Shepherd: “You say that now.”

(ER)
Dr. Kerry Weaver:‘You know what? I’m really very flattered. It’s just that I’m, uh… I mean… gosh, you’re such a beautiful woman. You’re… you’re so beautiful. But I’m… I… I’m straight… I mean, I don’t… I’m straight. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don’t know… I don’t know what’s… ”
[starts laughing, then stops abruptly]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: “I mean, I’m sorry… I just… I don’t… I feel very… ”
[exhales]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: “… I’m… You know what?… I… I just… I mean, I… I guess I never even really considered this.”

(Private Practice)
Addison: “I don’t want to be just another notch on your acupuncture table. I want more.”
Pete: “What do you say we just see how it goes… tonight?”
Addison: “I can work with that.”

(ER)
Carol Hathaway: “What if the elevator moves? You could get killed!”
Dr. Doug Ross: “Well, then you won’t have to worry about a commitment.”
Carol Hathaway: “Doug, I’m serious!”

(Chicago Hope)
Geiger:” Am I the only one in this hospital not having sex?”

(Grey’s Anatomy)
Meredith Grey: Don’t look at me like that, like you’ve seen me naked.

Thanks Meredith — that’s EXACTLY how I feel!  Actually in my case he has NOT seen me naked, but I feel like he can see a part of me no one else can see (and that’s a little scary!)

To be continued… (ahahaha!)

(What on-the-job romances or almost-romances have you experienced? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• Monday Morning: Being Human
• ER: CODE RED – Diet Karma
• Valentine’s Day

Hotties

On the home page of IMDB Pro right now is a picture of Betty White with the heading –

“HOT IN CLEVELAND is TV Land’s most –watched ever.”

Imagine – FOUR WOMEN  (the youngest of which is 49) who in one show manage to bring in –

THE MOST FANS of  TV Land’s History!

Four Actresses whose total ages add up to: 246!

Seriously this is HUGE news in a world where actresses like me start to worry when we’re barely on the wrong side of quarter-life.

Even though I had no idea what channel TV Land was on (thank god for Tivo!) I watched “HOT IN CLEVELAND” last night to see four sitcom legends (all previously on mega-networks) do something out-of-the-box and in-the-box at the very same time.

And BTW, they were – AWESOME!

HOT IN CLEVELAND may be pure sitcom but it manages to–
NOT feel outdated.

The jokes are modern–
but not dumb-funny,
or potty-humor funny,
or trying-too-hard funny
just– FEEL GOOD FUNNY

KUDOS to–
Jane Leeves, Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick and Betty White!

You ladies are–

HOT and HILARIOUS.

Way to go super-smarty producer Sean Hayes! Bet you’re laughing all the way to the bank. (And you managed to make TV news that rivals the Lakers’ big win and Roberto and Ali flying through the air in LION KING!)

Interestingly, HOT IN CLEVELAND is now the hottest show in TV Land’s history. How cool is that!?

(How hot do you plan to be when you’re hovering around the half-century mark? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• 2010 Emmy Awards: I vote for MODERN FAMILY
• Vids & Webisodes: My Faves
• Film Faves: Currently Speaking

I’m starting off Monday with “The Rules of Being Human” because I’ve been making lots of mistakes lately like—

• Dropping my iPhone in the toilet (hope that’s not a sign.)

• Setting off the fire alarm in the ER (oops! I was just hungry.)

• Freezing in my audition (this producer I dated and um– avoided was sadly in the room.)

Apparently I’m stuck in the school of life, because I keep learning lots of lessons. Double Ugh!

Hope I’ll graduate soon to the next level, but unfortunately that’ll just mean—

More lessons!

Oh well. Guess I’ll go get this body in shape on a Monday morning run in Runyon Canyon and hope some of the answers inside me reveal themselves ASAP!

Oh– I just realized the new iPhone will be coming out in two weeks. (Yay, the answers are already revealing themselves and I haven’t even put on my running shoes yet.) Ahahaha!

The Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in an informal school called Life.  Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error. Experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”.

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.  You can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you either love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to Life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

(Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott)

(What lessons have you learned lately? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• Hospital Heartthrobs: Mixed Messages
• HOT IN CLEVELAND: funny find!
• Valentines Day: The Way To His Heart

I'm toast!

Okay, so this is what I get for even thinking about eating carbs. After 45 minutes of rocking my world with Andrea at Made In L.A. Fitness,  I’m on my late shift in the ER and suddenly remember that I haven’t eaten (mainly because my stomach alerts me with rumblings loud enough for the patients to hear.)

So I pop into the employee lounge hoping someone left a fruit basket which sometimes happens when patients are really appreciative to the staff (hint hint) but instead I find –

Two boxes of Noah’s Bagels
from one of Dr. A’s female stalker patients.

I search for my favorite (Whole Wheat Sesame) hoping I won’t find it (too tempting at
125 g)  and of course it’s there, practically with my name on it. So when no one is looking (somehow it feels less fattening when no one is looking) I slice it and put it in the toaster.

Then I remember promising to bring a blanket and pillow to this little old lady in the hallway bed across from Ortho,  so I run out for a sec. THEN all the doors start closing and the lights start flashing and I hear –

CODE RED, ER NORTH TOWER, CODE RED.

Whaaa?

From time to time I hear a “CODE RED” page, but always for a different floor far far away. But today it’s really close and everyone on the floor starts looking around wondering–

Where’s the fire?

and THEN Security bursts through the doorway, rushing to the…

EMPLOYEE LOUNGE

Oops!

Oh yeah — My Noah’s bagel half was a little too overwhelmingly thick for the ancient toaster in the employee lounge and apparently it set off a smoke alarm yada yada…

How’s that for embarrassing?

And wanna know what’s worse? My new name in the ER (started by a certain Dr. A) is –

“Code Red!”

OMG! Couldn’t he have picked a better name, like –

Smokin’ Hot!?

(What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you this week? Share in the comments.)

Liked that? Check out:

• Feeling Safe: Knowns vs Unknowns
• ER Volunteer “Floater”
• Vids & Webisodes: My Faves