it'll take more than reading a book

My brain has been stuck on COMPUTERS this week. It started with the news reports about the high-tech-intelligence-gathering-Drone that ended up in Iranian hands, freaking everyone out!

JAMES BOND would know what to do –

What I don’t get is why in this day and age there isn’t a button the CIA can press that makes the Drone self-destruct. I’m certainly not a techie (obv!) but it seems very 007-101 to me.  And even if our team doesn’t want the Drone to explode in someone’s face, can’t they make it melt or something?

I mean — EVERYTHING seems do-able in computers these days… EVERYTHING! Our entire WORLD is computerized — everything except for MY LIFE – which gets me thinking…

What If…

… I could program MY LIFE like a MAC ?

I would -

• FORMAT my career, starting with me starring in a feature, directed by Jason Reitman, written by Diablo Cody!
• ZOOM IN on the best night of my life (before the “until…”)
• ZOOM OUT on the worst (after the “until”).
• INSERT myself into the cast of MODERN FAMILY (hint-hint, Steve Levitan).
• EDIT myself before I say a less-than-witty-thing in an Audition (like the one last month where the Casting Director actually turned RED after I spoke).
• PARENTAL CONTROLS I’d censor myself from some of my impulsive choices —  like doing-the-wrong-thing-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time.
• UNDO my mistakes: like the career faux pas that sucked me into hospital hell!
• REBOOT – and get everything back to the way it was…

BUT… if I could control everything, some of the GOOD THINGS that come out of the bad would no longer be possible – like meeting Dr. Crush in a place I’d never go if I’d ever had a choice in the matter.

Maybe what MATTERS is what we make of the moments that don’t go RIGHT.  Sigh…

Oh well, I guess it’s a blessing I can’t channel STEVE JOBS,  ahaha!

(How would you computerize your life if you could?)

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Feelin' it

Life is not exactly according to plan…still…there are so many reasons to say “Thanks!

Hug everything and everyone you have!

I’m THANKFUL that –

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conundrums

On my ER shift, a Little Kid’s freaking out about having to get stitches, so I ask him if he can keep a secret? Uh-huh.

Wanna know our  SECRET CODE WORD ?

Yeah!…
…so I whisper: “Owww!”

Minutes later when  Dr. A dabs numbing cream on his wound, the kid yells, “Owww!” So I SHUSH! him about giving away the CODE WORD and he actually giggles – PLUS I get a “trying-not-to-smile-but-I-can’t-help-it” from Dr. A! So it’s a win/WIN of epic proportions! (My Mom would be so proud!)

Then in Triage, ANTHONY shouts at me for taking too many visitors back to see their Mom (c’mon Chan!) which is sooo frustrating! As I’ve said before — working in the ER is a LOVE|HATE situation!

ER Ambivalence –
THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WHATEVER!

LOVE

De-Stressing the stressed (Helps de-stress me too.)

FINDING THE FUNNY + earning a SMILE (Comic timing must be right, otherwise it’s all wrong!)

Appreciation (The “air” volunteers breathe!)

Patient Patients (So rare, I really appreciate them.)

Happy Endings  (NOT the kind you’re thinking of.)

HATE

Walkie Talkies (Talk about “impersonal!”)

Go To Registration FIRST (It says: “Our money is more important than your chest pains!)

Too many cooks (So many experts – So many opinions!)

Too many rules (And they change every week, truth!)

The odors (Code Brown, need I say more?)

Suffering (Can’t think about it…)

Death (No words…)

TOLERATE

Bossy Pants (Sometimes they’re right, sometimes they’re just being a Buttinsky!)

Frequent Flyers (Gotta give it to ‘em, addicts can be pretty creative.)

Pushy Family Members (They’re just scared and feel helpless.)

Impatient Patients (We all feel that way, right?)

(What do you love|hate|tolerate in the ER?)

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Pumpkins and Actors have a lot in common… more than our BIG HEADS!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzI1hKz9i9E

Please don’t squash our egos. It makes us feel pretty rotten.

Ahaha!

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Halloween Holly

October 31^st feels frightening, even if you’ve got a job. BUT… if your next gig is as invisible as a ghost, get CREATIVE!  When the door creeps open, step into the unknown.

Last Thursday I go to a BIRTHDAY DINNER for my firecracker-sports-agent-cousin-Jaimie at that new SBE (Katsuya group) restaurant next to Dan Tana’s: Mercato di Vitro.  As I pull up, I’m relieved to see that Kirsten Dunst’s Prius is even dirtier than mine. I head over to a table covered with family style platters of Artichoke Chips, Hen of the Woods Whatever, Buffalo Mozzarella, Osso Bucco, Primi Pastas…FUN, FATTENING and DELICIOSO!

Unexpected Opportunities for the Unemployed!

During dinner Jaimie starts stressing about not having enough time to get her “Holly Go Lightly” ensemble together before the Soho House Saturday Night Halloween Party. She asks what I’m gonna be –

Your Halloween Stylist!

GETTING THE JOB DONE –

Friday I’m up early and online – printing Audrey pics, searching for her LBD. Luckily The BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S dress is “THE dress” right now, so I find versions at every price from Theory to Bottega Veneta. Thankfully Jaimie is flexible about price ‘cuz she’ll wear this dress to her gazillion business events afterwards.

I start out on 3^rd Street Promenade. First stop: Forever 21 for jewels. The price is right, but the look’s not quite. So I move on to TIARAS at a kiosk, where I get recognized (embarrassing!) Next I go to the Tobacco Shop, but they’ve just sold out of their last cigarette holder (F___!)  I walk a few blocks and snap shots of LITTLE BLACK DRESSES, POINTY PUMPS and DARK SHADES at Fred Segal Santa Monica (knowing Jaimie has back-ups at home). I get into my car and head over to Ursula’s Costumes at Wilshire and 26^{th .} Never ever go to a costume store the day before Halloween weekend. I wait in line outside for twenty minutes, but when I get in I find a gold cigarette holder, yay!

Feeling jewelry-challenged, I go to Wertz Brothers Antique Mall and discover original multi-stranded pearls with rhinestones and the perfect earrings from the 50’s and 60’s. I email pics of the best to Jaimie and she makes her selection.

When I get home, on youtube I find a How-To Do Holly’s Do and send the link to my cousin. Jaimie Is THRILLED with my performance as a STYLIST (even though she doesn’t go for my Burberry Trench idea or borrow her friend Sarah’s cat).

I’m waiting for a debrief on the party (if she’s still sleeping in, it’s a GOOD SIGN.).

Even though I’ll be an ER Volunteer again for this Halloween, I feel less worried about the job situation.

If Acting doesn’t work out, I’ll just be something else next year. Ahaha!

Happy Halloween!

 (what are you gonna be?)

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What’s the meaning of MEANIES in our lives? We’ve all got ‘em. What do we do with them?

Mine is Briana the Bitch (the frenemy from hell) a resident in my ER who tells anyone who’ll listen not to trust me because I’m a “Man Eater!” Briana is stuck in the past. She may have a high IQ, but socially she’s still stuck in high school. Move on, girl, it’s 2011. Life doesn’t have to be AWKWARD! for the rest of our lives. Does it?

Today I hear about an even worse MEANIE from “Hottie,” an out-of-work TV Actress whose name I can’t divulge.  Hottie’s long-term Acting Coach, “Pushy” just turned into the DEVIL (the meanest of MEANIES!)

After the boundary-less Pushy’d wormed her way into Hottie’s professional and personal life, acting like her Coach/Mom/BFF/Therapist, she pushed Hottie too far when she told her to break up with her boyfriend.

“ENUFF! Hottie said, ” I’m going to break up with YOU instead!”

So Pushy, like a scorned lover, goes ballistic with 24/7 over-the-top, calls, texts and emails. Hottie blocks her. And Pushy takes it up several notches. She spreads RUMORS throughout the Industry that Hottie’s no longer acting because she had a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! (F@#k!)

I ask Hottie if she’s gonna sue Pushy or at the very least have some hotshot Entertainment Attorney write a cease-and-desist, but Hottie doesn’t want to fan Pushy’s fire.  Hottie’s Manager says she’ll  “manage the situation.” So Hottie’s gonna take the HIGH ROAD. She’s focusing on being an Awesome Actress and getting LOTS OF WORK so she can prove Pushy wrong!

THE GOSSIP MEANIES IN OUR LIVES

Are they Insensitive or insane?

On medication or should they be?

Narcissistic or Nuts?

IS IT BETTER TO ENGAGE OR IGNORE?

Is their GOSSIP destructive or do others see it as “DRAMA?”

Gossip Meanies mess with our heads, our reputations and our ability to focus on what’s important.  Avoiding the DRAMA might be the best way to deal with these HEARSAY HUSSIES!

People seem turned-off by DRAMA these day, anyway.  TV Dramas are getting cancelled all over the place and COMEDIES are where it’s at.

So let’s all try to FIND THE FUNNY when it comes to the Meanies in our lives. If we can laugh at these LOSERS  the PATHETIC PUSHIES  of the world will lose their POWER!

(What Meanies mess with your life? What do you plan do about it?)

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dr. crush

You think you know what you want. But what if you got it, would you even want it? Would you even know what to do with it? What if you blow it? What if you make the most of it? What if you’re not sure, but you’re willing to take some risks?

Are you EVOLVING or ESCAPING?

Is it the right time or the wrong time? Are you just biding time, because you’ve got time on your hands? Maybe it’s because he’s hands-off, unavailable like so many guys. So it’s the chase, not the win you can’t shake.

Think about your real life — the one you almost had — the one you’ve been working for. You know, the one that’s on hold right now.  Maybe he’ll hold you back from your hopes and dreams. What about living the dream? Maybe he’s just a dream.  What if it’s a nightmare ending? Maybe he’s not all he seems. Maybe he’s so much MORE!  Winners are better than wannabes, right? But are you a loser if you wannabe with a winner? Will you feel less if he’s more?

INDECISION OR INTROSPECTION?

Can you even find a soul mate, when you’re not sure who you are?  Can the qualities in him make up for those MIA in yourself? Is it complementing or copping out?

Clearly he’s someone you can count on? Now you won’t have to count on yourself. Or maybe he’ll count on you too. And together you’ll go to infinity.

If you change, will you recognize your reflection? Would that be good or would that be bad? Are you supposed to know all the answers in your twenties? Would you want to, if you could?

He’s not your typical type. But what if it’s time for a change? Changes are good if they’re good. Or do you just need a quick fix? Do you feel broken inside? Is it the white coat effect? Is your pulse racing because he’s an MD?

Are you HEALING or HALLUCINATING? Does this call for champagne or medication?

With every answer, you get questions.

Is this LOVE or are you going INSANE? Call the paramedics! Get to your ER —  STAT!

(if anyone else has the answers, pul-eeze leave a comment!)

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SOOOOO many shows! Not enough time to watch them all. But here are two getting a lot of BUZZZZZ…

funny femmes

TWO BROKE GIRLS

With the exception of THE GOOD WIFE, CBS isn’t a network I usually watch a lot. But this season I’m tuning in more now that Ashton has gotten me hooked on TWO AND A HALF MEN, followed by a new fave-in-the-making: TWO BROKE GIRLS. 

Watching Kate Dennings (Max) and Beth Behrs (Caroline) bounce lines off of each other is like watching a great game of tennis, with both athletes playing at the top of their game.  Max’s tough cookie with a heart of mush takes pity on Caroline the homeless heiress with a passion for positivity (my mom would love her!)

The writing from Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings is smart, fresh and racy without making you go Euuww!! (“If she were a les, she’s be the last les-I’d–be-in”) It’s very modern and real. And with the exception of the horse jokes (which might get crappy – 2^nd show spoiler alert!) this show has REAL STAYING POWER! Yes!

I give it  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

too much quirk?

NEW GIRL

I really couldn’t wait to watch NEW GIRL, because I love  Zooey Deschanel sooo much (500 DAYS OF SUMMER is in my top 10!) And I’m usually pretty crazy about Liz (she’s apparently calling herself Elizabeth now) Meriwether’s writing.

I read for Liz Meriwether’s NO STRINGS ATTACHED (when it was called FUCK BUDDIES) and I loved the pilot SLUTS,  both of which were more BRIDESMADE-ish and female Appatow-ish in humor than NEW GIRL (the pilot at least).

My guess is that the network and studio execs had a lot to do with the final cut of the NEW GIRL, because it seemed much tamer and set-up-set-up-joke-y than Meriwether’s previous scripts.

Deschanel as “Jess” is lovable as expected. The GUY characters however seem over-the-topish-big and dumbed-down to me, but maybe my expectations were too high (that tends to happen when it comes to guys in general.)

Still,  Zooey Deschanel rarely gets it wrong, so I’m gonna stick with this show to see where she takes it.

I give it  ♥ ♥ ♥

TWO BROKE GIRLS and NEW GIRL were in the top six rated shows for 18-49 during premiere week. So audiences are FINDING THE FUNNY in female-driven comedies and that’s VERY GOOD NEWS (especially for female comedy actors— like me for instance). Uh huh, uh huh!

Which shows make you laugh? Which make you barf? Please share in the comments, thanks : )

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Emmy - What if?

Here’s the deal. I (like probably every Actor on earth) have an AWARD SPEECH playing and rewinding in my brain, ready for the BIG MOMENT.  Revisions occur regularly after the OSCARS, EMMYS and SAG AWARDS  each year and of course any time I’m about to get a BIG BREAK that’ll TOTALLY CHANGE MY CAREER! (Sound familiar fellow-Actors?)

Naturally I pay close attention to what works (luv’d Ty Burrell‘s “Tight Genes”speech) , what falls flat and what touches people (hi-five to Guy Pearce for inserting the raciest touch!) If the acceptance speech elicits laughs and tears it’s probably a good one, right?

Here’s my current list to thank, but I’m still working on it. Luckily or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it, MOM!) I’ve got time to tweak it, revise it and hone it. And FYI I think it’s a total waste of the clicking clock to keep repeating the words, “And I want to” thank…  So I’m planning on keeping it in the present tense, to reduce my word count and show more appreciation.  Also, if we’re talking about peeves, I’m getting a little bored with “I didn’t think I’d win, so I didn’t plan a speech” — Come on! Everyone imagines “what if?” otherwise YTF are we waxing,  juice cleansing, botoxing, highlighting, training, boxing, running, spinning and ohmming?

Who I’d thank in my Emmy Award Speech

T H A N K    Y O U:

• SUPER DAD for cheering me on every step and for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself –
• JOSH – for sticking with me when everyone else thought I’d blown it –
• WILL Wannabe — if you hadn’t left me when I was down, I wouldn’t've learned how to reach higher –
• CHARLAYNE for forcing me to get my real act together –
• MIRA for selfless lessons, you rock! –
• NILES – OMG – for being my girlfriend, hairstylist and therapist–
• OLIVIA – for knowing there was so much more and teaching me how to access it — and…
• DR. A — Well you know, why you’re on this list –Oops!  Okay, I’ll keep it private (wink) –

Noooo! STOP the music!  I’m not done yet — Really! PLEASE STOP!

Thank you… Mom… for all of your signs to FIND THE FUNNY through the madness and missteps and for giving me COURAGE (gulp!) to deliver the MAGIC –

Mom, this one’s for YOU!

(If you got an award who would you thank? Please let me know in the comments.)

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pink is a serious color

Hearing CODE WHATEVER on the loudspeaker is pretty typical in the hospital.  The most common ones are Code Blue (Medical Emergency) or Code Red (Fire/Smoke).

When it’s Code Red, the overhead lights start flashing like there’s no tomorrow and the doors auto-close and it’s easy to get a little freaked-out because what if there really was a fire and the doors closed so you couldn’t get out?  But every time I’ve heard “Code Red” (they always mention the location) within seconds there’s another announcement that says “Code Red All Clear.”

But today’s a different story. I’ve just dropped off a L & D (Labor & Delivery) Patient on 3 and I’m about to go back down to the E.R. when I hear –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

Code Pink = Infant Abduction. Code Pink means that EVERYONE on the staff – ANYWHERE in the hospital is supposed to drop what he/she is doing and BLOCK the nearest exit.

CODE PINK means –

1. Look for suspicious persons who seem panicky or in a hurry carry a large bundle, tote bag, gym bag or an infant.
2. Note gender, race, attire, description, direction of travel and mode of travel.
3. Call Security STAT!

My heart THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS as everyone on Staff behaves like a Soldier going off to battle. No one talks. We’re on a mission.  I leave my wheelchair in a corner and head to the doorway by the stairs. On my way I pass four Nurses standing in front of four elevators. No one is smiling.  I take the post at the top of the stairwell. My eyes dart up the stairs, down the stairs. I listen for suspicious sounds.

Amplified again –

CODE PINK 3 WEST! CODE PINK 3 WEST!

No one’s in sight. But I feel brave, ready react. Then a GIANT LUMP expands in my throat, as I imagine the Parents in a panic — the little Innocent unprotected.

Five minutes pass but it seems ten times longer. Then –

CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR. CODE PINK 3 WEST ALL CLEAR!

Phew! I go back, grab the wheelchair and head down to the E.R. feeling shaken but feel really proud to be a part of the Staff. I’m glad I’d actually listened to Charlayne in the last Training Session.

I see Dr. A downstairs and tell him about the experience, forgetting he knows (DUH!) since the loudspeaker blasts hospital-wide!

He’s really sweet though and gives me the warmest smile ever — and says CODE PINK always throws him too. Apparently it was the Baby Lojac system. The Parents left before the ELECTRONIC ANKLE BRACELET was removed.

YIKES! I’ll never-ever-ever hear another CODE ANYTHING in quite the same way again. Would you?

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