“head up ass”

On my Volunteer Shift, when I take Patients to beds, I glance at the chart to see what the complaint is so I don’t ask them to remove more clothes than they have to. That’s not exactly a Volunteer Rule (Charlayne trained us to say: “Remove all of your clothes, gown open to the back”).  But in my opinion, it’s unnecessarily annoying to Patients if you add to their discomfort.  If they’re in the ER for a hurt finger or toe, I’m certainly not gonna make them take off all of their clothes (“do unto others…”). But if they have a gyno, abdominal or rectal issue, it’s protocol that they remove everything and pee in a cup, so I can’t always grant myself rule-exception privileges.

Over time I’ve learned all of the color codes and what abbreviations mean like A fib (heart irregularity) or AMS (altered mental state) or CP (chest pains), but today Anthony Chan was in a particularly pissy mood (which happens frequently) and he wrote down DBI for this tat-covered greaser with missing teeth. I’d never seen that abbreviation before, so I had to ask Tyrell what it meant.

DBI might not be something they teach in medical school (or maybe it is, which would be really scary!) But either way doctors know DBI means: “dirt bag index.” Oh.

trust me, you’re not being paranoid!

That made me wonder what other sketchy abbreviations Doctors and Nurses use, so I asked around and frankly was more than a little horrified by what I found out.  Evidently, there are so many “special terms” I’d overwhelm you with the entire alphabet.  Instead I’ll just focus on the basics:

The ABCs of Doctor and Nurse Insults

• AHF – Acute Hissy Fit
• AGA – Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
• AGMI – Ain’t gonna make it (goner)
• ALS – Absolute Loss of Sanity
• AOB – Alcohol on board.
• APD – Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
• APTFRAN – Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
• AQR – Ain’t Quite Right
• ART – Approaching Room Temp (nearly dead)
• AST – Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
• ATD (Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or common cold)
• ATFO – Asked to Fuck off
• ATS – Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness  (MGM syndrome)
• AX – Surgeon
• BIT – Burp In Transit (gaseous)
• BMW – Bitch, Moan and Whine
• BOHICA – Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
• BWCO – Baby Won’t Come Out (needs C-section)
• CCFCCP – Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
• CFT – Chronic Food Toxicity (fat)
• CFU – Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
• CHAOS – Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
• CKS – cute kid syndrome (awww, a nice one for a change)
• CLL – chronic Low Life
• COPS: Chronic Old Person’s Disease
• CRI – Cranial-Rectal Insertion (head-up-ass)
• CRAFT – Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
• CROACC – Can’t Rule Out Anything
• CRS – Can’t Remember Sh*t
• CRT – Can’t Really Treat
• CTD – Circling the Drain (close to death)
• CTS – Crazier than sh*t
• CYA – Cover Your Ass; procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued

Yikes!

There’s an entire language of abbreviations we need to learn as Patients in order to interpret what’s being said or written about us. In the meantime watch —

1. what you say
2. how you say it
3. how you’re being perceived.

But you probably already know that already, right? I’m still learning…